No matter how many times I won’t give up. Not on myself or my goals. I will get up after each slip. It is only failure if I make it so. I will get up with a smile, and continue. Each moment is a new moment to try again. The worst thing I could do is just give up. To fall back into a deep sleep.
Get up. Be aware. Cut the things that are causing you to slip. They aren’t needed.
Self Reflection (内省）
Video games （ゲーム）
Talking in Japanese （日本語で話す）
Being relaxed （安心）
Getting to bed on time （決まった時間に寝る）
Not drinking alcohol alone （一人でお酒を飲まない）
Studying Japanese （日本語を勉強する）
Being confident （自信を持つ）
Learning new things (新しいことを学ぶ）
Talking to others (人と話す）
Never give up! I won’t lose sight of my dreams! Every moment is a new moment to try again and again. I mustn’t beat myself up. Today I learned this. I had a series of “bad days” which were actually fun but weren’t in alignment with my goals and values. I slipped, but I bounced back. The morning I felt like shit. I felt like I messed up a lot, but I made the choice. The best I can do is make the most of it. Use that energy to better work towards making it up, and I did. I was focused today.
I did a lot of things that would have given me such fear in the past. I am gradually breaking down the walls of my insecurities. I want to be someone who can do it. I want to be someone who doesn’t fear new things. I have a long way to go to achieve my goals but it doesn’t mean I should ignore the current moment. Life, like music, is meant to be enjoyed from beginning to end. I feel this way strongly. I never thought so before. I always was so shortsighted. I only thought of the bigger picture. I never considered the smaller goals I could be achieving in the NOW. I think a lot of people get tied up in the little things or even the bigger picture like I had. I saw my Japanese fluency as something in the distant future that I was working towards, but I ignored things I could be doing in the meantime to improve myself. I was blind to what I had and could do.
I want to become someone who is better aware of the things I have. The things I value before they’re gone.
The word alignment has been on my mind lately. More people should think about this word. I want to better live in alignment with my character. My goals and desires. Many people say this or that. They want to quit drinking. Be more religious. Lose weight. Many things. But whatever it is they don’t follow through with it. They do the opposite instead. What is with that nonsense? I don’t want to be like that. I want to try in any way little by little to live in alignment with myself. My own thoughts. If I don’t then I am living a total lie. I am betraying myself. I am not being true to myself. That is something I don’t want. Mean what you say. Follow through with your determination and goals. If you can’t then is it really what you want? If you want it so bad then do it!
Life is getting better. I love it. I find myself using my time wisely. I am cutting out all the noise. All the crap that bogged me down. The social networking. The porn. The drinking. Just where was my time going? I don’t understand. Things are getting done. Things that I love. Things that I enjoy.
I was so miserable a year ago and even more so two years ago. The greatest thing I’ve learned is how to focus. Seriously. What matters most to me? Time is like currency. It should be spent on the things of most importance first.
I am glad to have come to this realization.
Looking back on my life, it has for a good eleven years (from ages 13 to 24) be defined as one filled with uncertainty, depression, anger, and powerlessness. I hated my teen years. I hated it so much. I felt I had a lot of unmet needs. A desire for independence and experience. But I felt held back due to my own fears and anxieties. I did not reach out for support when I needed it either.
I did have a good support network, but I couldn’t drop the feelings I harbored inside. I was young. I was hurting after my parents divorced. It left a deep scar that rippled into other things. Not only was my trust in adults ruined for a good number of years, but also my own peers as well. I didn’t want to reach out to others so I let the negative feelings build inside. But at the very same time I wanted others to reach out to me. I didn’t want to be alone. I was acting like a victim believing that everyone hated me. That the world was entirely againest me. I also played a martyr. Often causing drama (trolling) and problems in real life because that’s the kind of situation that I knew. Stability wasn’t something good to the young me.
Growing up was filled with trauma, and I often thought to myself, “I need to stop feeling this way. I’m being emo.” I felt my feelings were insignificant. And maybe not legitimate. Some days I felt like I made a small step in improving but I often felt like I was pushed back many times too. I had a huge self confidence and low self esteem issues. I just couldn’t understand why others didn’t feel the same way as I was. It hated them because if they did feel the same way then they were hiding themselves. They were faking.
I just didn’t know who I was or what I valued. I had no sense of direction or what I felt any sort of passion for. I had hobbies and interests but I never looked at them as something of value. I felt entirely worthless. I wanted desperately to die but I was too afraid to do it by myself. I wanted someone to come and lend me a hand with all my questions, troubles and wishes I had. I had so much anger. So much hate. I was made fun of a lot of my young life. I was jealous of my friends and the relationships they had with girls. For me at that time, love could only be gained in a relationship with a female. I knew nothing of self esteem, pride, or confidence.
Who am I?
Where do I belong?
Why am I alone?
I wish someone would love me!
I have no friends!
I wish I could be accepted!
Where can I go to talk about my feelings?
Why won’t anyone care about me?
I wish I were as good/smart/popular/confident/ as others!
I want the same experiences as my other friends!
I’m bored. I wish I had something to do!
I wish my dad wasn’t so protective of me!
I wish my family was better!
I hate my father!
Why can’t I improve things?
During those eleven years, I saw myself as a coward, weak, shy and I lacked many things. I blamed others for my shortcomings and failures. I focused largely on the negative. I thought that whatever happened I could do nothing to change it.
I can if only. IF ONLY! I can’t change the past, I know. But if you, my reader, would grant me this one if only it would be this. If only my father had been there more after the divorce. My father provided as any parent should, but I didn’t receive the kind of support emotionally that I wanted deep down. He is a nice man, but he is emotionally distant with his true feelings. He is like that even now after I have opened up about the divorce, but at least I told him while I could. I don’t harbor any negative feelings towards him or the ambigious answer he gave to his reasoning for emotional abandonment. But it is in the past and I have accepted it. I realized that I had to forgive to move on.
Blogging has played a large part in my life. I have those eleven years written out. I’ve never reread them or looking back on those entries though. It is just rediculous and embarassing. I want to forget but…
I wrote in my last entry that 2012 was a year of realization, and that it was. I realized a great deal about myself in just one year. I made tremendous leaps in personal growth. Piecing together the various changes and how I can put them into practice is what I hope to accomplish.
The me then and now and very different. I want to discover the underlaying values of my person and what I did to cope and move on little by little as I made my way into adulthood.
I had a different entry written up for today in advance but on the way to work something else came to mind. That is regarding one of my particular good traits. I’m not sure what you call it but I am someone who has a very strong will and motivation to become better than myself, which I will write about another time. Of course, when I was depressed and felt like I was cast into a void, I felt no such will or motivation. I did have such feelings once before and that was my experiences with Christianity.
My experiences with Christianity are going to come up again and again on this blog probably. So, I might as well get it over with and explain in some detail. Despite I follow no religion and believe in no gods of the sort now. The time I was following Christianity willingly to the point I wanted to join the priesthood and now where I am trying to lift myself up to a better standard are essential the same. Although, when I realized that a religious life was contrary to what I really wanted, I lost myself. I found a new major to study but that little bump should have been an indication that I didn’t know what I really wanted of myself in life.
Leaving Christianity freed me from creeds and thoughts I didn’t really hold very highly in retrospect. I was looking for acceptance and a place to belong during a time I was having a lot of issues. Christianity gave me that for a time. Once I got away from the religious conservatism of my high school. And actually pursued the priesthood and Theology, I realized it wasn’t something I was very passionate about. So I quit and studied Japanese. But the problem with leaving Christianity also caused me to leave any sort of focus point or standard of living. I never thought I could create that standard.
Growing up I wasn’t sure how to think critically. I didn’t have any inner thoughts or drives. It was just strange. I had some traits and hobbies, but I would largely say that I saw myself as a silent observer. I was skeptical, negative, and critical of others. I felt many things were out of my control most of the time. So I complained a lot. I was essentially sleepwalking through much of my life. Living day to day and just allowing time to go by. I wasn’t really living. Christianity, in that sense, made me more aware of myself and what I was doing. But it wouldn’t be until 2012 that I would realize that I didn’t need religion as an excuse to strive for better in my life.
Now it just occurs to me that a lot of my high school experience was spent on searching for something to believe in, but I ignored the one option of creating my own creed. My own values and what I held highly. After much wayward walking I have finally become more aware of myself again. I’m alive and searching for who I am, and what I want for myself. This time is much like the time I followed Christianity, but I don’t need creeds and mythology to just want to live better. It just seems like common sense now. I don’t know why I just walked through life denying and ignoring myself. I feel as if I have lost a lot of time experiencing and exploring the world and myself.
You cannot understand how much excitement I felt when I realized that I have the power and potential. There is so much out there in the world, and I was sleep walking it away. I’m glad that I have grasped onto myself which was lost in the depths of a void. Now that I have come this far, I feel like I could never turn back and once again go into those gelid waters…