I had a different entry written up for today in advance but on the way to work something else came to mind. That is regarding one of my particular good traits. I’m not sure what you call it but I am someone who has a very strong will and motivation to become better than myself, which I will write about another time. Of course, when I was depressed and felt like I was cast into a void, I felt no such will or motivation. I did have such feelings once before and that was my experiences with Christianity.
My experiences with Christianity are going to come up again and again on this blog probably. So, I might as well get it over with and explain in some detail. Despite I follow no religion and believe in no gods of the sort now. The time I was following Christianity willingly to the point I wanted to join the priesthood and now where I am trying to lift myself up to a better standard are essential the same. Although, when I realized that a religious life was contrary to what I really wanted, I lost myself. I found a new major to study but that little bump should have been an indication that I didn’t know what I really wanted of myself in life.
Leaving Christianity freed me from creeds and thoughts I didn’t really hold very highly in retrospect. I was looking for acceptance and a place to belong during a time I was having a lot of issues. Christianity gave me that for a time. Once I got away from the religious conservatism of my high school. And actually pursued the priesthood and Theology, I realized it wasn’t something I was very passionate about. So I quit and studied Japanese. But the problem with leaving Christianity also caused me to leave any sort of focus point or standard of living. I never thought I could create that standard.
Growing up I wasn’t sure how to think critically. I didn’t have any inner thoughts or drives. It was just strange. I had some traits and hobbies, but I would largely say that I saw myself as a silent observer. I was skeptical, negative, and critical of others. I felt many things were out of my control most of the time. So I complained a lot. I was essentially sleepwalking through much of my life. Living day to day and just allowing time to go by. I wasn’t really living. Christianity, in that sense, made me more aware of myself and what I was doing. But it wouldn’t be until 2012 that I would realize that I didn’t need religion as an excuse to strive for better in my life.
Now it just occurs to me that a lot of my high school experience was spent on searching for something to believe in, but I ignored the one option of creating my own creed. My own values and what I held highly. After much wayward walking I have finally become more aware of myself again. I’m alive and searching for who I am, and what I want for myself. This time is much like the time I followed Christianity, but I don’t need creeds and mythology to just want to live better. It just seems like common sense now. I don’t know why I just walked through life denying and ignoring myself. I feel as if I have lost a lot of time experiencing and exploring the world and myself.
You cannot understand how much excitement I felt when I realized that I have the power and potential. There is so much out there in the world, and I was sleep walking it away. I’m glad that I have grasped onto myself which was lost in the depths of a void. Now that I have come this far, I feel like I could never turn back and once again go into those gelid waters…