Never give up! I won’t lose sight of my dreams! Every moment is a new moment to try again and again. I mustn’t beat myself up. Today I learned this. I had a series of “bad days” which were actually fun but weren’t in alignment with my goals and values. I slipped, but I bounced back. The morning I felt like shit. I felt like I messed up a lot, but I made the choice. The best I can do is make the most of it. Use that energy to better work towards making it up, and I did. I was focused today.
I did a lot of things that would have given me such fear in the past. I am gradually breaking down the walls of my insecurities. I want to be someone who can do it. I want to be someone who doesn’t fear new things. I have a long way to go to achieve my goals but it doesn’t mean I should ignore the current moment. Life, like music, is meant to be enjoyed from beginning to end. I feel this way strongly. I never thought so before. I always was so shortsighted. I only thought of the bigger picture. I never considered the smaller goals I could be achieving in the NOW. I think a lot of people get tied up in the little things or even the bigger picture like I had. I saw my Japanese fluency as something in the distant future that I was working towards, but I ignored things I could be doing in the meantime to improve myself. I was blind to what I had and could do.
I want to become someone who is better aware of the things I have. The things I value before they’re gone.
The word alignment has been on my mind lately. More people should think about this word. I want to better live in alignment with my character. My goals and desires. Many people say this or that. They want to quit drinking. Be more religious. Lose weight. Many things. But whatever it is they don’t follow through with it. They do the opposite instead. What is with that nonsense? I don’t want to be like that. I want to try in any way little by little to live in alignment with myself. My own thoughts. If I don’t then I am living a total lie. I am betraying myself. I am not being true to myself. That is something I don’t want. Mean what you say. Follow through with your determination and goals. If you can’t then is it really what you want? If you want it so bad then do it!
Life is getting better. I love it. I find myself using my time wisely. I am cutting out all the noise. All the crap that bogged me down. The social networking. The porn. The drinking. Just where was my time going? I don’t understand. Things are getting done. Things that I love. Things that I enjoy.
I was so miserable a year ago and even more so two years ago. The greatest thing I’ve learned is how to focus. Seriously. What matters most to me? Time is like currency. It should be spent on the things of most importance first.
I am glad to have come to this realization.