Looking back on my life, it has for a good eleven years (from ages 13 to 24) be defined as one filled with uncertainty, depression, anger, and powerlessness. I hated my teen years. I hated it so much. I felt I had a lot of unmet needs. A desire for independence and experience. But I felt held back due to my own fears and anxieties. I did not reach out for support when I needed it either.
I did have a good support network, but I couldn’t drop the feelings I harbored inside. I was young. I was hurting after my parents divorced. It left a deep scar that rippled into other things. Not only was my trust in adults ruined for a good number of years, but also my own peers as well. I didn’t want to reach out to others so I let the negative feelings build inside. But at the very same time I wanted others to reach out to me. I didn’t want to be alone. I was acting like a victim believing that everyone hated me. That the world was entirely againest me. I also played a martyr. Often causing drama (trolling) and problems in real life because that’s the kind of situation that I knew. Stability wasn’t something good to the young me.
Growing up was filled with trauma, and I often thought to myself, “I need to stop feeling this way. I’m being emo.” I felt my feelings were insignificant. And maybe not legitimate. Some days I felt like I made a small step in improving but I often felt like I was pushed back many times too. I had a huge self confidence and low self esteem issues. I just couldn’t understand why others didn’t feel the same way as I was. It hated them because if they did feel the same way then they were hiding themselves. They were faking.
I just didn’t know who I was or what I valued. I had no sense of direction or what I felt any sort of passion for. I had hobbies and interests but I never looked at them as something of value. I felt entirely worthless. I wanted desperately to die but I was too afraid to do it by myself. I wanted someone to come and lend me a hand with all my questions, troubles and wishes I had. I had so much anger. So much hate. I was made fun of a lot of my young life. I was jealous of my friends and the relationships they had with girls. For me at that time, love could only be gained in a relationship with a female. I knew nothing of self esteem, pride, or confidence.
Who am I?
Where do I belong?
Why am I alone?
I wish someone would love me!
I have no friends!
I wish I could be accepted!
Where can I go to talk about my feelings?
Why won’t anyone care about me?
I wish I were as good/smart/popular/confident/ as others!
I want the same experiences as my other friends!
I’m bored. I wish I had something to do!
I wish my dad wasn’t so protective of me!
I wish my family was better!
I hate my father!
Why can’t I improve things?
During those eleven years, I saw myself as a coward, weak, shy and I lacked many things. I blamed others for my shortcomings and failures. I focused largely on the negative. I thought that whatever happened I could do nothing to change it.
I can if only. IF ONLY! I can’t change the past, I know. But if you, my reader, would grant me this one if only it would be this. If only my father had been there more after the divorce. My father provided as any parent should, but I didn’t receive the kind of support emotionally that I wanted deep down. He is a nice man, but he is emotionally distant with his true feelings. He is like that even now after I have opened up about the divorce, but at least I told him while I could. I don’t harbor any negative feelings towards him or the ambigious answer he gave to his reasoning for emotional abandonment. But it is in the past and I have accepted it. I realized that I had to forgive to move on.
Blogging has played a large part in my life. I have those eleven years written out. I’ve never reread them or looking back on those entries though. It is just rediculous and embarassing. I want to forget but…
I wrote in my last entry that 2012 was a year of realization, and that it was. I realized a great deal about myself in just one year. I made tremendous leaps in personal growth. Piecing together the various changes and how I can put them into practice is what I hope to accomplish.
The me then and now and very different. I want to discover the underlaying values of my person and what I did to cope and move on little by little as I made my way into adulthood.