Childish Knowledge

I’m tired of being treated like a child.

I want to be recognized for my talents and knowledge. I’m tired of being looked down on by others for what I lack. This has to be in my head! I can’t be alone. I’m sure we all feel this way.

I know you are thinking that I shouldn’t compare myself to others. But, it’s hard not to. You know the times. When you’re with other people, and they ask a question to your friend instead of you. I hate that. I feel like this has been the story of my entire life. Why exactly am I getting upset though? I don’t have much of an interest in history or English grammar. While I have started to read books on writing and other topics, it’s for my own gain. My main interests have always been in anime, games, and manga.

What kind of knowledge is that?

Childish nonsense.

Who is going to ask me a question about any of those things?

A few weeks ago, I was drunk. I couldn’t drive home after a drinking party with my Japanese English teachers. So one offered to let me stay at his house. Since he lived just down the street from the restaurant. At his house he showed me his shelves of books written by American authors. They were in Japanese, but still it was all English literature. Maybe to show some kind of dominance over me. I don’t know. But he started to quiz me. He asked if I could name five American authors. I couldn’t. I felt very insignificant at that time. He said,”You should learn more about American culture.” I just didn’t read as a child. It’s situations like this that have come in my life time and time again. I don’t have this kind of experience. I grew up only enjoying anime and games. And when the time came, I started to study Japanese because I wanted to further my experiences with those things.

Just what am I doing with myself?

I realize now that the world is such a huge and vast place. My time here is very short. So I want to reach out and explore. By gaining new knowledge and finding new interests. This is why I feel it is essential that I reevaluate just where the hell my interests are in Japan. Many Japanese ask me, “Why are you interested in Japan?” I can only give vague responses. The culture. History. The beautiful scenery. But I couldn’t tell you in any length about any of those.

I want to blame my upbringing. I was never encouraged to explore or try new things. Studying and reading weren’t important to my parents. Whatever talents or knowledge I might of had went largely ignored. I grew up believing I had nothing of my own to offer. Rarely would anyone come to me for advice or information.

Is this why I shut myself away for so many years?
Only to wake up to realize I know nothing about the world around me.

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Filed under Development, Reflection

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