I want to spread my wings

I hate teaching English.

It’s no secret. I have a negative view of the English language situation in Japan. The state of English has nothing to do with me. I don’t care if it succeeds or if it fails. I’m not paid enough to think about a solution to their problems. I’m just an overpaid teaching assistant. My work is largely a waste because Japan has this lukewarm idea about the language. If they really cared about things they wouldn’t make it so hard for foreigners to make a living here. They would be more open to globalization. But as it stands what point does learning English in Japan have? It’s just a grade on a test, and annoyance for those not good at it.

Seriously, just hand me my earnings. Allow me to go on my way. My current job is only something to MAKE money. To help me get to where really I want to be. It’s sad. I know. Someone should be in this position who enjoys what they are doing. I’m not enjoying it. I don’t do enough. I don’t get any satisfaction from what I’m doing. But who would? I repeat some vocab words a few times. Maybe read some easy sentences from a poorly made textbook. Do real teachers enjoy what they do?

I don’t care about the students. I’m tired of being taken lightly by some of them. I don’t care about the lessons. I’m sick of going in everyday and being hardly noticed. I want to make a real impact on things and people. I want to see real progress and have a sense of achievement in what I’m doing. I want real relationships. I am tired of being this buddy buddy gaijin because I’m supposed to be this ambassador of English culture. I want to be in a position where my knowledge is put to use. My motivation and drive is being eaten away day by day.

This isn’t what I really want to do with myself. I hate that I am in this job. But it is the only way I can get to where I want to be. I can’t just quit and pack my bags to go home. There is nothing for me back in America. Having a job is better than no job. Being in Japan is definitely better than being outside it. I just can’t move to the next step as quickly as I desire to. I’m frustrated.

The important thing is doing what I CAN do now. Make progress in that direction. Things that will hopefully make getting there quicker.

Study Japanese.
Read Japanese.
Listen to Japanese.
Write Japanese.
Speak Japanese.

These things will get me to the next step faster. I just can’t slow down and hurry up. I’m not satisfied with just enjoying the ride. I want to be at point B already.

Maybe I’m at that age where I want to gain recognition.
To spread my wings out.

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Filed under Development, Japan, Reflection

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