Monthly Archives: August 2014






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Filed under 日本語

This week has been moody

I’ve been rather unstable this week since breaking up with my long distance girlfriend. I think it’s due to drinking things like caffeine and alcohol. I woke up this morning and didn’t have a hangover but I was low. Really low. Wanting to commit suicide low. I know alcohol is a depressant but that was bad. I couldn’t do anything today but mope around, and feel sad. It was strange because right now I feel very energetic and great.

Lately I can’t seem to stop thinking about all the things wrong with our relationship. They didn’t really occur to me because it was a LDR. The first year was pretty good up until last summer, but around that time I wanted out of the relationship. I kept ignoring my feelings. Why? I mean, I can’t recall the last conversation we actually had where I felt interested in what she was talking about. Generally our conversations turned very mundane and boring. Usually they were about things going on during the day and such. Looking back it feels like, “Well, we’re together now so no reason to try anymore to keep the relationship alive. We don’t need to learn anything new about each other.”

No wonder I was feeling stressed and less motivated. I was giving a lot of energy for this relationship, but getting very little in return. Sure, she did a lot of things. A lot of nice things. She helped me out a lot. I’m grateful. But it was like putting in all this effort for an agreeable personality. I motivated her and gave her the strength to finally find a job she wanted. She found one. But, I felt drained from it all. I wasn’t happy being together. I just wasn’t satisfied emotionally. Maybe it being a long distance relationship had nothing to do with? Well, I’m wrong. It probably had something to do with it. But you see I tried to share with her things that interested me, but she never really commented. And I guess that’s fine, but I wanted her to connect with me some how. Sometimes she did, and those times were fun. Likewise she never really shared many things about herself after that initial first few dates and conversations. I wonder if she even had any interests? I remember asking her if she was passionate about anything and she had no idea.

I hated having to do things her way on dates. It was always about going to places she wanted to go to or see. They were good places. I have no complaints about that. But the places I wanted to see? “Oh, you can go alone.” I want a relationship where we can both share in the things we enjoy together. And not feel bad about it. God! The final time she was over at my apartment she just spent the entire time in my other room watching dramas on her phone while I was studying Japanese. She finally said it upset her I would do the things I wanted to do in my own apartment! I mean come on! I have my own interests outside of you, you know?

Which goes into how passive-aggressive she was. For how long our relationship was going, she never got into the things that were upsetting her. If she loved me, and trusted me she would have been able to express those things to me honestly. Many times I wanted to share with her what was on my mind about our relationship. I should have. I regret it and I need to be aware of these things in my next relationship.

That’s all I got. I’m tired.

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Filed under Reflection, Relationship

For if I get into another relationship

I was thinking about some of the things I need to be aware of next time if I do ever get into another relationship. I grew and learned a lot from it. I know she did too.

1. Have self awareness. If something doesn’t feel right then it probably is something you should think more about and not rush into. Possible option is write about it to sort out your feelings.

2. Ask questions and never stop. Always try to keep the relationship interesting/fresh. What kinds of things bother you? What are your fetishes? Do you mind I drink alcohol? What things do you have a passion for? What are your ideals? Do you mind I like such and such hobby?

3. Don’t rush into things. If you honestly feel weird about the progression of the relationship say something. Don’t mindless just sit back for the ride.

4. Don’t be too kind. Speak up and consider things. Better to work on a problem then to ignore it.

5. Don’t always go along with their plan. You have hobbies and interests of your own. Speak up about them. If they feel weird about taking part or not giving your own chance to do things you enjoy together then reconsider the relationship.

6. Communicate! If there is no communication then things will eventually break down.

7. Try to avoid a long distance relationship. If you do happen to pursue one. Set goals and ideas early on for the possibility of being closer. Talk about it. In the end, don’t avoid it.

8. Never give up your own personal beliefs, ideals and values for someone else. You have your own personal ways of working within this world. For example, if you believe going to bed at 10:30 every night is what your body needs then that is what it needs. Try to talk about the values and ideals you share and don’t share. Try to compromise and see from their viewpoint.


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Filed under Development, Reflection, Relationship

We broke up

I need someone to talk to but I have no one now. I am alone. I broke up with my long distance girlfriend of 1 and a half years. She was my first real relationship, but the relationship was going no where. At first I really did think I had feelings for her, and I was interested in her. But somewhere along the way the relationship just changed. I think it was after the honeymoon phase ended for me. She lived about 3 or 4 hours away, and every time we’d meet maybe once or twice a month it just felt like starting from 0 again. I found it difficult to grow to love someone you can’t see physically everyday.

I liked being around her and I cared about her, but after awhile I didn’t love her. Being together with her was fun but I just didn’t feel any kind of intimacy. I felt I was doing and saying things mechanically. It wasn’t really how I truly felt. But I choose to ignore it. I am too kind.

My main reasons for ending the relationship were I felt like I wasn’t growing from it anymore. I did learn and grow a lot from having this relationship but I just feel like I wanted to be able to take it to another level. But how could I if she lived far away? There were no concrete plans for moving closer. I felt the relationship was growing stagnant. I felt like I was having a positive effect on her. To motivate her to find a new job and work at it. But while she was feeling motivated. I was starting to feel quite the opposite. It’s strange because when I first started the relationship with her. I felt quite confident, fit and good about myself. But as time and time went on I felt less motivated and less confident. I feel she didn’t have the positive effect on me that I was giving her.

She didn’t interest me anymore. She wasn’t intellectually stimulating for me. Whenever I would try to talk about such things she would shoot it down. Saying things like, “I’m not very into books.” So we would always talk about the most mundane things. And maybe that is why I just started drinking more when talking with her. It was boring to talk to her sober. She lacked ambition but stole mine and left me empty. There was no communication, and that’s why things eventually blew up in this final break up today. It was weird. She told me all these things she disliked about me. Like I said strange things, I drank beer, and putting time into what I enjoyed.

She said I was kind but maybe a little selfish because I only think about the things that I must do. Maybe she was a little insensitive to the things I wanted to do. It was always about what she wanted to do. Sometimes I would want to browse video games or manga things, but she would pull me away. Even if she said she got over that I liked anime and games, but deep down she didn’t like it.

But she never told me the things that annoyed her because she loved me. The relationship was doomed because of it. She and I didn’t want to discuss our issues because we knew it would end. That isn’t a healthy relationship.

I don’t regret my time with her but it had to end sooner than later. When she would come to stay over at my apartment sometimes, I just got annoyed with her being there after awhile. It was like I couldn’t stand her. I didn’t really love her. That was a sign. I want to leave this entry with another entry I wrote April 17th, 2013. I never published it, but I wrote it. It goes to show that I even had these feelings then, but I choose to ignore them…

Long Distance Relationships don’t work

And yet despite this I myself am in a long distance relationship. I met my current girlfriend on a website for dating in Japan. We’ve been chatting since November and we met for the first time around late February or early March. We’re both about 3 hours from each other, and have already gone on a few dates together. I would say we’re actually on an intimate level of our relationship but we haven’t had sex yet.

At first I felt the way many people feel when in a relationship. Happy. Excitement. Joy. Loved. But now that the honeymoon phase is over, I am now thinking about the relationship. I can’t see a long distance relationship working over a extended period of time. When I was younger, I would criticize my brother and every new girl he met online who lived miles away. I have always been against long distance relationships. I admit that it works great for me. I mean, I can do what needs to get done while my girlfriend does her stuff miles a way. But then I miss out on all those little things she is doing in her life. I only get to the opportunity to see her in person when we go on dates.

It’s those dates that then become who she is to me. Sure we chat on Skype and do video but it really isn’t the same kind of thing as meeting in person. Communication is going to break down. I’m going to miss out on all the little joys and sadness that go on in her daily life. I’m starting to feel like she is just a girl who lives miles away that I happen to be intimate with on occasion. It’s harsh but the reality of the situation. Whenever we meet in person it takes a few hours for us to both warm up to each other again. We’re not used to being in person since it’s about once a month that we meet.

Another concern of mine is money. I have been working towards trying to save money so I can move out closer to her. Not only because of her but jobs as well.

Maybe what I’m feeling now is the initial feelings are settling and desiring more from the relationship. It’s lonely not being able hold hands, hug, and share a kiss with someone you love.


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Filed under Development, Reflection, Relationship

I have 31 days

I have 31 days to get my shit together.

I want to use every day to its fullest.


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Filed under Reflection