We broke up

I need someone to talk to but I have no one now. I am alone. I broke up with my long distance girlfriend of 1 and a half years. She was my first real relationship, but the relationship was going no where. At first I really did think I had feelings for her, and I was interested in her. But somewhere along the way the relationship just changed. I think it was after the honeymoon phase ended for me. She lived about 3 or 4 hours away, and every time we’d meet maybe once or twice a month it just felt like starting from 0 again. I found it difficult to grow to love someone you can’t see physically everyday.

I liked being around her and I cared about her, but after awhile I didn’t love her. Being together with her was fun but I just didn’t feel any kind of intimacy. I felt I was doing and saying things mechanically. It wasn’t really how I truly felt. But I choose to ignore it. I am too kind.

My main reasons for ending the relationship were I felt like I wasn’t growing from it anymore. I did learn and grow a lot from having this relationship but I just feel like I wanted to be able to take it to another level. But how could I if she lived far away? There were no concrete plans for moving closer. I felt the relationship was growing stagnant. I felt like I was having a positive effect on her. To motivate her to find a new job and work at it. But while she was feeling motivated. I was starting to feel quite the opposite. It’s strange because when I first started the relationship with her. I felt quite confident, fit and good about myself. But as time and time went on I felt less motivated and less confident. I feel she didn’t have the positive effect on me that I was giving her.

She didn’t interest me anymore. She wasn’t intellectually stimulating for me. Whenever I would try to talk about such things she would shoot it down. Saying things like, “I’m not very into books.” So we would always talk about the most mundane things. And maybe that is why I just started drinking more when talking with her. It was boring to talk to her sober. She lacked ambition but stole mine and left me empty. There was no communication, and that’s why things eventually blew up in this final break up today. It was weird. She told me all these things she disliked about me. Like I said strange things, I drank beer, and putting time into what I enjoyed.

She said I was kind but maybe a little selfish because I only think about the things that I must do. Maybe she was a little insensitive to the things I wanted to do. It was always about what she wanted to do. Sometimes I would want to browse video games or manga things, but she would pull me away. Even if she said she got over that I liked anime and games, but deep down she didn’t like it.

But she never told me the things that annoyed her because she loved me. The relationship was doomed because of it. She and I didn’t want to discuss our issues because we knew it would end. That isn’t a healthy relationship.

I don’t regret my time with her but it had to end sooner than later. When she would come to stay over at my apartment sometimes, I just got annoyed with her being there after awhile. It was like I couldn’t stand her. I didn’t really love her. That was a sign. I want to leave this entry with another entry I wrote April 17th, 2013. I never published it, but I wrote it. It goes to show that I even had these feelings then, but I choose to ignore them…

Long Distance Relationships don’t work

And yet despite this I myself am in a long distance relationship. I met my current girlfriend on a website for dating in Japan. We’ve been chatting since November and we met for the first time around late February or early March. We’re both about 3 hours from each other, and have already gone on a few dates together. I would say we’re actually on an intimate level of our relationship but we haven’t had sex yet.

At first I felt the way many people feel when in a relationship. Happy. Excitement. Joy. Loved. But now that the honeymoon phase is over, I am now thinking about the relationship. I can’t see a long distance relationship working over a extended period of time. When I was younger, I would criticize my brother and every new girl he met online who lived miles away. I have always been against long distance relationships. I admit that it works great for me. I mean, I can do what needs to get done while my girlfriend does her stuff miles a way. But then I miss out on all those little things she is doing in her life. I only get to the opportunity to see her in person when we go on dates.

It’s those dates that then become who she is to me. Sure we chat on Skype and do video but it really isn’t the same kind of thing as meeting in person. Communication is going to break down. I’m going to miss out on all the little joys and sadness that go on in her daily life. I’m starting to feel like she is just a girl who lives miles away that I happen to be intimate with on occasion. It’s harsh but the reality of the situation. Whenever we meet in person it takes a few hours for us to both warm up to each other again. We’re not used to being in person since it’s about once a month that we meet.

Another concern of mine is money. I have been working towards trying to save money so I can move out closer to her. Not only because of her but jobs as well.

Maybe what I’m feeling now is the initial feelings are settling and desiring more from the relationship. It’s lonely not being able hold hands, hug, and share a kiss with someone you love.


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Filed under Development, Reflection, Relationship

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