I’ve been rather unstable this week since breaking up with my long distance girlfriend. I think it’s due to drinking things like caffeine and alcohol. I woke up this morning and didn’t have a hangover but I was low. Really low. Wanting to commit suicide low. I know alcohol is a depressant but that was bad. I couldn’t do anything today but mope around, and feel sad. It was strange because right now I feel very energetic and great.
Lately I can’t seem to stop thinking about all the things wrong with our relationship. They didn’t really occur to me because it was a LDR. The first year was pretty good up until last summer, but around that time I wanted out of the relationship. I kept ignoring my feelings. Why? I mean, I can’t recall the last conversation we actually had where I felt interested in what she was talking about. Generally our conversations turned very mundane and boring. Usually they were about things going on during the day and such. Looking back it feels like, “Well, we’re together now so no reason to try anymore to keep the relationship alive. We don’t need to learn anything new about each other.”
No wonder I was feeling stressed and less motivated. I was giving a lot of energy for this relationship, but getting very little in return. Sure, she did a lot of things. A lot of nice things. She helped me out a lot. I’m grateful. But it was like putting in all this effort for an agreeable personality. I motivated her and gave her the strength to finally find a job she wanted. She found one. But, I felt drained from it all. I wasn’t happy being together. I just wasn’t satisfied emotionally. Maybe it being a long distance relationship had nothing to do with? Well, I’m wrong. It probably had something to do with it. But you see I tried to share with her things that interested me, but she never really commented. And I guess that’s fine, but I wanted her to connect with me some how. Sometimes she did, and those times were fun. Likewise she never really shared many things about herself after that initial first few dates and conversations. I wonder if she even had any interests? I remember asking her if she was passionate about anything and she had no idea.
I hated having to do things her way on dates. It was always about going to places she wanted to go to or see. They were good places. I have no complaints about that. But the places I wanted to see? “Oh, you can go alone.” I want a relationship where we can both share in the things we enjoy together. And not feel bad about it. God! The final time she was over at my apartment she just spent the entire time in my other room watching dramas on her phone while I was studying Japanese. She finally said it upset her I would do the things I wanted to do in my own apartment! I mean come on! I have my own interests outside of you, you know?
Which goes into how passive-aggressive she was. For how long our relationship was going, she never got into the things that were upsetting her. If she loved me, and trusted me she would have been able to express those things to me honestly. Many times I wanted to share with her what was on my mind about our relationship. I should have. I regret it and I need to be aware of these things in my next relationship.
That’s all I got. I’m tired.