I wonder if my increased heart rate has anything to do with trying to sober up and get alcohol out of my body? Man, I can’t believe this is just day 3 (again) since I last drank a lot. I miss not having to think about this shit. I miss just having a drink now and then, but never to the point of getting super drunk. To the point of just pissing everywhere and anywhere in my room. That was a pain to clean up, but by then it was too late because I thought it was a dream. My problem is I am a binge drinker. I like to just get drunk and fast. I think that it might make the things I enjoy better, but I always never end up enjoying them in the end. For the past few months I have been associating alcohol with masturbation too. But the thing is drinking alcohol makes masturbation worse.
Recently I had someone over and they mentioned that they could tell the last owners had a cat. Probably her subtle way of saying my apartment smelled like piss. I miss not having my drinking get out of hand. My drinking was also a cause of me breaking up with my girlfriend. It was just getting drunk and chatting to her online like a total ass hole.
Last time I made it to 5 days sober but then broke it. I am aiming for at least 6 days this time. I am trying to get into the habit of eating healthier again too. No more snack foods or stuff from the convenience stores. No more nights of just drinking beer with nothing to eat. If I’m hungry it has to be something I make. I am eating fruits and more fiber. I used to use the bathroom almost every morning, but since I started drinking almost everyday I stopped. And when I would use the bathroom it would all come out as diarrhoea. Been using the bathroom a little bit lately, and it hasn’t been diarrhoea. I assume that is a good thing, and my body is recovering in some way.
This is a hard road, but I can get back to having a healthy relationship with alcohol again.
Days sober: 3
Yesterday, I once again had a rapid heart rate. I don’t get what is causing this. It was the same as last Sunday. No problems, but right when I want to go to bed it starts up. Today was mentally stressful to deal with this fast beating heart. At least by the time I ate lunch it slowed down again.
I think I have some kind of deficiency. So, for now I am going to stop fasting. I’m going to start drinking the milk again at school, and maybe eat a piece of fruit in the morning after my run. I think it’s probably potassium because all the foods that have that I don’t eat. I was eating a lot of spinach, which are also rich in fiber, and avocados.
My father suggests that I should get it checked but I have had experiences like this happening before. But I never thought of it as some kind of deficiency. Mostly because the heart beat was never so bad that it kept me awake at night. I’m going to take it easy for now, and just keep my eye on it. If it does seem to happen again after changing around my diet then I will see a doctor.
Days sober: 1
Goal is at least 6 days sober.
I have been asking myself, “What annoys me about Japan?” lately. Now that I have been on the lookout it seems to be easier to recognize those little pet peeve moments. One moment is what I call the off the boat syndrome. For anyone who has lived in Japan for any length of time probably know what I am talking about. Japanese just seem to assume you’re a tourist OR you live here, but you haven’t been here very long therefore you don’t know Japanese at all.
This is really annoying and frustrating. I wouldn’t say I am fluent, but there are many things I can do well. Plus I have passed N2 and working on studying for N1 of the Japanese language exam. I know taking a test has nothing to do with actual ability. Anyone can study for a test, but someone who is of a lower level would never try for these things unless they had a confident grasp of the language. That is all I am saying.
But it’s strange. If I feel like there is some kind of anxiety coming from the person I am speaking to, I goof up. If it feels like they think I don’t know Japanese for some reason, I just seem to read that and completely mess up. I don’t understand this at all. I also noticed that there seems to be a certain portion of people who I can speak Japanese well to. And on the other hand there is another portion of people who I just turn into this off the boat dude when speaking to them. It most likely is something subconscious on my end. But the more I converse with others and the more I build these kinds of experiences, I feel as if that subconscious anxiety when speaking will go away. At least I hope so.
I will admit a lot of the times it does depend on the circumstances and the context. There are just those instances where someone is talking to me, and while I may understand what they are saying I just have no idea how to answer. So it ends up where they are probably thinking, “Oh, he doesn’t understand me.” I am still very much learning how to socialize in Japanese. Hell, I can’t say I know how to socialize well in my own damn language. I mean, I left America a loner with no self confidence and a ton of anxiety. Oh, how much I have grown in the past 4 years… Japanese who I have known since I first came here will say things about how much I have changed since they first met me.
Anyway. Today I did have this one instance where I was talking to a woman at the taiko practice I go to. She just started talking in broken Japanese and gestures. I had no idea what the hell she was trying to convey. It turns out all she just wanted to know was how long it took to drive home from the practice hall. Now, come on! I could have understood that if the person just talked naturally. It’s these kinds of instances that are annoying. It just makes us both feel awkward in the end. It’s usually from the people that seem to think I don’t know Japanese at all.
You know, I’m not hating on Japanese for their assumptions but I also don’t want to be an apologist for these assumptions. I don’t know what could solve this issue. Japan has a lot of issues in the foreign relations department. One thing that I personally have tried to live by is this. If I can break these assumptions on a daily basis then I am in my own little way making the situation better for all foreigners in Japan. *shrug*
Days sober: 0
My ex-girlfriend always said to me that she was fascinated by how I always seemed to be able to remember my dreams all the time. She could never really remember hers. Waking up today left me with an eerie and yet nostalgic feeling.
In the dream, I had met my ex again in a store but she looked more grown up and adult. Dating her she looked more like a middle school girl trying to act like an adult. Always buying expensive brand name stuff. In the dream, she was wearing one of those simple wool sweaters that really made her breasts noticeable. I think the color was blue? Her hair was much shorter too. It didn’t make her look like a guy but it was done in a feminine kind of way, but it was still pretty short by my standards. I remember the reaction I had. I felt like kicking myself for breaking up with someone who would have become so beautiful.
I remember the setting was a college in the state I am from, but I have never actually been there. I remember following my ex outside. I remember losing her at one point and was just walking around the campus. Brown stone comes to mind. I also remember RPG maker some how being a part of this dream. There was something 8-bit about this dream but I can’t remember how. After walking around I remember coming to a church build on the campus. I remember finding it very strange because I didn’t think the college was anything affiliated with Catholicism. I went inside to find it looked very much like the church I had attended growing up with my parents. Everything looked almost exactly the same. Although, the painting of St. Francis at the alter seemed distorted and painted in a different style. Walking around there were a lot of strange religious statues in the aisles. One even surprised me because it was moving. I remember being like, “Who put this thing here?”
Walking out of the church, I caught up with my ex again. I remember seeing her and jumping down from a platform onto a sandy surface. I remember metal bars around. There was a sunset in the background. I think I had apologized for the horrible things I said when I was drunk to her, and that I was sorry for breaking up. I remember shouting, “But, I just couldn’t deal with the distance!”
And then I woke up. I wonder what it all means?
Today was rather hard since I had to go shopping but I stayed sober again today.
Days sober: 4
Today went well. I was actually rather surprised that many teachers asked me if I was okay. I’m actually surprised they were concerned at all from me being absent on Monday.
Many students were surprised about my haircut. The one first year class even clapped. It was funny.
Taught English at the community center too today. Didn’t get much me time… It’s already 10:30. Need to go to bed.
But today was good! I felt well rested, and drank no alcohol.
Take things one day at a time.
Days sober: 3
I didn’t go in to work today because I couldn’t sleep well enough. I was fine all day yesterday up until I wanted to go to bed. When I got into bed my heart started to pound fast and it was very noticeable. I hadn’t eaten anything that day. I read if you experience things like a racing heart while fasting then it’s a sign you should eat something. So I made something to eat but it really didn’t change anything. Maybe it just made things worse? Whatever the case, I was up most of the night because of my heart.
I want to say that it is a few things like alcoholism, not getting to bed at a decent time, stress, and maybe a nutrient deficiency. Last night helped me see that my life isn’t going very well right now. I’m aware of this, and I want to do something about it. I am tired of drinking alcohol like this and I feel it is the main source of a lot of the problems I am having lately.
I need to write up some kind of plan to follow. I don’t want to completely stop drinking. I just want to stop drinking alone. I am just using it to run away from my problems. That isn’t right at all.
Days sober: 2
Despite living in Japan for close to four years now, I would say that not many things really get on my nerves. Actually I think if I wrote more about my culture shock and depression back in 2011, there might be more to complain about. Over the years, I just don’t sweat the things I have no control over. Complaining or stressing over other people faults isn’t the way to live life. The only thing a person can change is themselves and their future. I can’t change others or the past. If I can’t tolerate how a person is then I’ll just stop dealing with them. That’s how I’ve come to live my life. Sure there are people who say to me that I am too nice or something like that. I just think of it as stress reduction.
Although recently something has gotten on my nerves concerning overtime. In Japan, getting paid for overtime is unheard of, and despite this many Japanese will stay at work for long hours. I’m not entirely sure of the situation for Japanese though. And I don’t want to be quoted for giving misinformation. But I do now about my position, and I don’t get paid for overtime. This annoys me. Normally I do leave at my scheduled hours, but August through October requires me to stay an extra hour or two to help with English speeches. Honestly I like helping my students, and I want to see them do their best. But my time is of value to me as well.
I don’t get any money for working overtime or helping. I talked to my employer about this and they gave me a pretty standard answer. Basically, help out with the English speeches, but don’t let them take advantage of your time. Sorry we can’t pay you for this.
I would like to get paid but I am trying to look at the positive in this situation. I know as the foreign English teacher there are many times where I have nothing much to do. I can’t make activities or there are no classes to go to that day. Even though the Japanese English teachers are doing a lot of other things. So I guess I try to look at it as compensation for those times where I’m not doing a whole lot. I don’t know if the Japanese English teachers even think of it in this way.
But whatever helps me to rest easier at night.