Lately I feel like I have so many things on my mind. I just can’t keep calm. So many things have been going on and changing.
I left my long distance girlfriend of a year and a half around the end of the summer. I just couldn’t handle the distance, and I felt like it wasn’t helping either of us by keeping it going. We were changing and growing. In a relationship, I feel like both parties should be experiencing that growth together and not apart. It just didn’t feel real in the end. There are many times where I do miss her. Even if we weren’t very close to each other it still felt like I wasn’t entirely alone. But I try to remind myself that I made this decision. It was for the best.
Then last month my uncle passed away from heart failure and then my grandmother passed away about a week later most likely from grief. I always knew that my grandmother would die. I thought about it at times. How would I feel? Would I cry? What would I be doing at that moment? But I didn’t cry, and I wasn’t surprised. Instead, these two deaths have brought to my attention my own mortality. I am going to die. Sooner or later, I will. So will all the other people in my life at one point or another.
Then I have things about my own future that have been bothering me. Just where am I going with myself? I turn 28 next April. Do I want to continue this thing in Japan or move on? Keep teaching English or find a better job? Do I just want to move back home? I feel empty again. I just have no self respect anymore. Sometimes I have thoughts of killing myself. I know I am at an extreme low at times. Drinking alcohol hasn’t been helping with these lows either. If anything it has been making things worse. I hate looking at myself in the mirror after a day of heavy drinking. And this is maybe everyday. I haven’t drank in two days since writing this entry. I know I look and feel better, but sometimes I just feel I need to drink to oblivion. It is very hard for me to push myself at home. It is easy for me to just drink when I am alone. So I have been trying to find ways where I am around others more often. Even if it is just being in a store or at a library. I just want to be around others because I at least feel I can work hard and concentrate.
I like going to work because I don’t have to think about being alone. I can smile and feel “happy” but it isn’t genuine. Better than nothing. I feel lonely in this country that ignores foreigners. Of course I have been looking for outlets to get me around others. And those times are at least enjoyable. I feel like it is a win when I can get out and use Japanese with Japanese. So, it isn’t like I’m not trying to find a place in the community. I just hate living in the countryside of Japan. There is nothing here. I want to be in a place where I can find people my own age, and not have to travel two hours for a possible relationship.
Money is my biggest problem right now. I need money to pay my loans. To pay my bills. To pay for living. I need money if I ever want to move if I find a new job… I am primarily wasting my money on alcohol. Better than wasting it on games or anime. I could really cut back more though.
I need to rewrite my resume and cover letter. I have so many things to do. Maybe I should make a list of all the things I can do now, and all the things I want to do in the next few months. It might help organize my life?
I’m worried about passing the Japanese language exam. I am taking level 1 again. I have been trying different things and I feel like I have been making some great progress. But I am the kind of person who recognizes the things I can’t do more than all the things I can do.
I need to make sacrifices again. I can’t forget everything everyone has done for me up to this point. I can’t put it to waste. There is no time to feel down about myself. I have walked down that path way too many times than I can count. Out of all things I should know there is nothing positive or beneficial from depression. I realize that my own happiness, and my own life is my responsibility. The kind of depression I’m feeling now is nothing like when I was in high school. Hating others and pushing away responsibility doesn’t solve anything. But still I need to get a grip. Life is going on. I need to take it one day at a time.