Monthly Archives: December 2014

I want to disturb the 和

“OMG you can read that!? SuGoiii111!!!!” “Uhh, yeah.” I reply with a bit of anger in my voice.

I think I’ve reached a point where these kinds of things just aren’t cute and not taken as compliments anymore. Although, I can’t recall a time when I ever thought of them as a compliment. I just want to be a dick when these things come up, and answer with a witty response. But I am too Japanese from my own good and just act passive aggressive about it even if it does piss me off.

For some reason I still am remembering an experience I had at work. I printed an article from the newspaper because it interested me. And and my coworker is like, “Huh? Can you read this?” Ughh these things just get under my skin. I’m really trying my best to get this language but the people keep beating me down with backhanded comments. You know, is it just me or do Japanese people seem to compliment you when you can try easy things in Japanese. But try to read the newspaper or attempt to move up in this society and you start getting these backhanded comments.

Anyone else still get these? How do you deal with them even after being in Japan for so long? I know Japanese mean well, but that shouldn’t excuse ignorance.

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Filed under Japan, Reflection

Something I forgot

I took the Japanese language test level 1 yesterday. I spent the year focusing mostly on the test material. And while I am not entirely confident of passing, I had forgotten such a simple yet important thing. You don’t study a language to pass tests. Before I passed N2, I was having all sort of fun exploring the language, and not really focusing on test material. Not sure how I fell into this hole, but I’m glad I got out.

昨日日本語能力試験N1を受けました。この一年間ずっとテストのことをしっかり勉強しました。合格する自信を持っていないけれど、一つの大切なことを忘れたことに気がつきました。言語を勉強するのはテストのためじゃありません。N2を合格する前、日本語でいろいろなことを探検して楽しく過ごした時間でした。あんまりテストのことを気にせず、面白いことだったら、飲み込んでいました。どうしてこの穴を落ちたか分からないが、もう気がついて安心です。

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Filed under Development, Japan, Reflection, 日本語

Just tired of Japanese people lately

I am so tired of Japanese people, and how they are. Tired of being asked can you eat this or being looked down upon as if I can’t even begin to understand things. Being treated like a child even though I am 27. This is my fourth year in Japan and it is becoming closer to becoming my last for awhile.

Recently I had to let my school know about how I’m stressed out and how people have passed away in my family back home. It was unavoidable since I have been taking off and leaving work early. Among other things.

When I was talking to the English teacher she felt sympathy and then was like, “Are you going back to see them?” and I’m like, “No, I can’t really afford it for such a short amount of time.” And the teacher reacts with this expression, “No way! But you’re rich, you know! うそ、お金持ちでしょう!”

That stung. This English teacher is rich thinking just needs to fucking die.

Also I further explained that I broke up with my girlfriend of two years so that added to the stressed feelings. Then she is like, “Oh, well we all knew that. I mean you hadn’t talked about her.” She then laughed about it. You know, I really respect this co-worker. But seriously? And everyone knew? I really like how people just assumed. I just wonder what other shit Japanese are assuming about me just because I don’t like to talk about myself much.

Now that I think about it most Japanese are always interested in finding out about what I do in my own free time but they never really like to open up about their own.

I need a vacation.

These things have been building up lately. But this was just a recent thing that has been mauling me over, and I just had to write it out.

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First Saturday

This is the first Saturday in a very long time where I am actually not nursing a hangover or even feel a desire to drink. I am just so sick of being tired. Being drunk. Being stressed out. I am at the point I can’t handle the stress of day to day without alcohol. I’ve drank a lot in the past but nothing like the past 3 months have been like. Maybe during September/October when I would drink a lot, I’d get a lot of suicidal thoughts. And then the day after I would feel so low after the alcohol left my system. I had never felt like that before. I asked online, and someone mentioned that after your body just numbs out from the constant alcohol. It starts to effect your feelings. Your personality. I cannot deny this.

But lately I don’t feel so. Like I need alcohol. Am I starting to turn around again? Am I now ready to live in reality again? But at what cost? I really put my body through a lot of shit. I have a lot to work on. A lot to build up that I destroyed. But I want to live, and I want to continue.

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Filed under Development, Encouragement, Reflection