A new year awaits…

I have so many things on my mind with the start of this new year. The last 6 months of 2014 was a tough time emotionally, and many of the remnants of that still remain in my mind. Where am I going with myself? As I turn 28 this year, just what is my goal for life? I’m getting older. I don’t want to see any more of the people I love die. Do I ever want to get married? I’m alone. I don’t want to be alone. I want to move, but money and my job restrict me currently. I’ve gained all the weight that I spent so hard losing. I am treating myself like a garbage bin.

I feel like shit.

I am not a fan of new years resolutions because they never work. Instead, I prefer to write up a sort of mission statement for the year. An overall guide for what I am looking to accomplish. I pick one word that will sum up the overall theme as well. This year’s word I am thinking something along the lines of move. Move on emotionally. Move on into looking for a better place to live. Move on into a new job.

Many of my feelings come from the frustration of living in Japan. This country is lonely. Living in the rural countryside where only elderly people live is a pain in the ass. I hate it because I just want to be accepted and looked at as human being and NOT this foreign entity. I have so many issues with this country of late. I could write a book about it. I decided to just close my Facebook account because of it. All I was doing was complaining about it, and complaining, while beneficial, only spawns more hard feelings.

As this new year rolls out. I question if I really want to continue living here. Do I even want to get married at some point? I feel like marriage would never be something for me. My parents divorced while I was in elementary school. Many of my relatives marriages never lasted very long either. I grew up never feeling attracted to other females. Rather falling for game and anime female characters instead. I like companionship, but sex has never been something I ever desired.

I prefer my freedom, but then I also would like to have someone close by to call on for support. Japanese women have told me in the past that this makes me very selfish. Maybe this is a cultural thing? I feel many young people are living that kind of life in Western societies. Instead of marriage they just live together and support each other. Sharing in their hobbies and interests together. That is the kind of relationship I would grow to enjoy. I feel like I could never find someone that would tolerate my hobbies though. Japan is a very strange country where people just want to get married and paired off as soon as they can. I don’t understand it. I don’t want to fall into that trap even if some people pressure me hurry up and get married.

If there is one thing I want to work on starting this new year is getting this chip off my shoulder. While hard feelings are fine at times. Getting a little sad and frustrated is fine. But drinking to ignore these feelings. Thinking about death isn’t helping either. Everything begins with how I think about myself. My thoughts effect my world and myself. I’m trying to grab onto shadows. I am looking for objects outside myself to fill the gap in my heart. Objects. People. Food. Drink. They are all temporary fixes. The true path to happiness stems from inside. Change yourself then you can change the world around you.

I apologize for the here and there writing of this entry. Like I said, I have a lot of things on my mind. This year I really should write more. There is something therapeutic about it.

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Filed under Japan, Reflection

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