Keeping it together

I’ve probably wrote about my loneliness countless times before on living in Japan. I largely feel abandoned and ignored at my work place. Some days it’s tolerable while other days it just really gets to me. For a while I never even wanted to acknowledge that it was loneliness that I felt. I’ve been alone a great deal of my childhood so it’s something I have grown to deal with. But perhaps what I really yearn for is just being able to reach out to anyone. Anyone that will just listen to my words.

I’ve realized that if three things are out balance then I just lose it. I go crazy. Those three things are writing my thoughts, exercise, and fasting.

Writing helps me to organize my thoughts better. I have no idea what I’m really thinking or feeling most of the time. I can understand myself better if I’m writing my thoughts down like this. I can better be aware of what I’m going through and I don’t feel so lost. I am an introspective thinker, and I rarely convey how I feel to others openly. Having conversations is taxing. Especially about things I don’t understand or small talk. I’ve learned to be better at it for my job, but in general I feel like I just have no interest in conversations. I’ve always been like this, but at the same time I yearn to connect with others that like the same things as I do.

Exercise helps me control the stress I go through each day. Also it just makes me feel better about myself. But as I grow older I find it harder and harder to get out there and exercise. I try to do it when I can. I know it is something essential for my daily life.

Fasting helps me save money by not buying food. I’ve found that it helps me to be better in control of my desires. I feel more in tune and in control of myself.

These three things help fight back the loneliness I feel on most days, but going on my fourth year now. I just can’t take it anymore. I have largely been alone for the past four years living here. I’ve had periods where I had friends, and even dating. But right now, I have no friends, and much of my conversations involve talking in simple English to middle school students. Honestly why haven’t I gone insane yet? I have gotten close to wanting to kill myself because I just felt I was at my worst. Those were pretty dark times. Not to mention constant days where I would drink many days in a row. Those days are behind me for the most part.

There are a few expats here, but they live maybe an hour or so from me. I am largely disconnected from the expat circle out here in the rural wastelands of Japan. I’m fine with that. I would rather be with people out of a common interest or bond rather than just convenience. And largely many of the people I come across I have no interest in or seem to have any interest in me either.

Lately, I feel things are starting to get better. I have a plan that I have set out. I want to finally move out of this stupid rural area and more into a city area or just closer to one. I am single once again, and in no rush for another relationship. I don’t want a relationship right now. Saving my money. Working more at night to make more money. I want to pass level 1 Japanese by the winter. Working on making this happen as well.

If I am to be alone so be it. As long as I never give up on myself.

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Filed under Encouragement, Japan, Reflection

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