No level of anything

I’m not sure what I’m looking for.
No level of love.
No level of achievement.
No amount of friendships.
No amount of alcohol.
No matter how many times I masturbate.
It cannot shake the feelings I have.

Am I just an introvert? Just doomed to be alone?
I feel as if I’ve been committing sin after sin. I want to be forgiven by someone or something.
Is this why people turn towards a higher power?
Humans want something bigger than themselves.

Last night I just felt so out of it. Laying alone on my futon. Thinking about nothing in particular.
Sleeping and being awake.
I slept for about 12 hours.
I wonder if I’m going crazy as I spiral more and more into this darkness?
I had a strange dream where I met my grandmother who passed away in November.
Only to wake up from that to find it was a dream. I was talking with my mother about meeting grandmom.
Only to wake up again to find those both were dreams.

I always remember my dreams with great accuracy.
But it always makes me question what is reality?
Sometimes I’ll have dreams where it makes me question reality.

My weekend?

Do you honestly know what it’s like to not even mutter a word over the weekend? Only to speak that Monday morning at work.
“I have a voice?” I thought with surprise to myself.

I hate being home.
I want to do anything that gets me out of my apartment.
My cage.

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Filed under Everyday, Reflection

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