I’m not depressed.
Depression was what I had 3 years ago. When my uncle and grandmother passed away and I broke up with my girlfriend of two years.
This is an entirely different monster. I’m tired. Stressed. Lonely in Japan. I’m tired of this self induced isolation I’m feeling.
I’m working too much, but I need the money if I ever want to move successfully in March. But working more has come with its sacrifices. My time for myself. I work from Monday to Friday. 8 to 9. By the end of the day I just feel so drained and tired. I need a quick pick me up.
I’ve given into addictions. Smoking. Drinking. Masturbation.
Instead of dealing with my stress in a mature way. I’ve turned to instant gratification that just leaves me empty and dead inside. At first I didn’t mind. But now things are taking their toll. My self confidence is broken. I’m just realizing my habits and their negative effects. I’m starting to feel enough is enough.
On my way to work, I smoke. On my way to work at night, I smoke. At home, I smoke. One cigarette after another. My heart feels like shit after a while, and I’m tired of it. I have been smoking like this since July. When I get home on a Friday, I just come home and drink beer and masturbate. I’ve been doing this for a few years.
But I’m tired of it. I’m searching for something in the wrong things.
“Just a little more! When March comes, things will change. Right now it’s okay. Just wait till March and you won’t be doing these things any more.” I say this to myself.
But if I don’t choose to change now. Then I will never change. What I’m doing isn’t helping me. It isn’t giving me strength. It’s just draining.
I know if I delete my porn. Then everything will begin to change. But I’m afraid to make that step. Just like when I gave up my anime obsession nearly 5 years ago, I need the strength to quit. What I’m doing is blocking me from growing into a better person.
Closer to my best self.
あいさつ プラス 相手に「プラスの関心を持っている」と伝える挨拶。
「おはようございます」 －－－＞ 「週末はお出かけになるんですか。」
I haven’t watched The Simpsons in a very long time. I really liked it when I was watching it as a kid growing up in the 90’s. And as someone living in Japan and studying the language, one episode in particular comes to mind. I think it was during season one because season one was a lot different in style from the other seasons there after.
Anyway, in the episode Bart does a student exchange where he goes to France. Living in France he has no idea about the language. The people he was sent to live with begin to treat him poorly too, but he can’t really do anything about it. They make him stomp on grapes for the wine and give the donkey the pile of hay to sleep on. So Bart is forced to sleep on dirt. Near the end of the episode, Bart is told to go out and buy something. He runs into a French police officer. As he tries to explain to the officer his situation in English, the officer smiles but doesn’t understand. As Bart walks away crestfallen he starts to talk to himself out of frustration only to suddenly start speaking fluent French.
As time goes on here in Japan. I feel more and more like that situation is going to happen. Something is going to happen. One day I am just going to wake up and not even realize I’m speaking Japanese. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t care about making mistakes. I am so aloof that I just don’t care. I want my feelings to be expressed. I want my way of thinking to be recognized. Before I was afraid of being hurt and afraid of hurting others. But I’m tired of it. I don’t care if I’m hurt. I don’t care if I hurt others.
I’ve lived too much of my life keeping my feelings to myself.
No one gives a fuck.
Didn’t drink today. I actually got quite a bit done after I finished work.
Finished a chapter of the Japanese book I’m reading.
Finished the Sunahara sibling route of Clannad.
Finished my Japanese SRS for the day, and now working on catching up on my Kanji writing.
Up until now I couldn’t help but think just what have I been doing with my time? Even on the days when I wasn’t drinking just where was I? I feel like maybe I was on auto pilot. I just wasn’t conscious. I wasn’t aware of what was going on in my daily life.
Lately, I feel as if I’ve once again tapped into my true self. The one that isn’t always so kind and bubbly. More blunt, angry, and to the point. I do what I feel like and don’t worry so much about my surroundings. That me is more critical of everything. I could never find a happy medium for both states of mind. They are both myself and yet very much like day and night. It’s either be kind and selfless or critical and selfish. I like the critical part me because he is more observant and more thinking. But there is never any happiness for him because he is more serious.
But this part of me is also a front. It’s barrier that I cast between myself and others. I’m faking aloofness. I act like I don’t care about others. Like I don’t want to get to know them. While deep inside I wish I could talk with them. Get to know them. I’m confident, but I’m afraid of something. If I truly enjoy being more aware. More conscious. I want to be able to be more honest with myself and others in this mindset. Last year and the year before, having a smile on all the time, and being this kind big brother figure was good then. It was fine. Certain barriers of my mind broke down.
But now there are new ones that I have to take care of. I’m 28, and while I’m young yet, I guess. I don’t really think so, though. But, I realize it’s necessary to once again observe myself and my thinking. Reevaluate myself.
No matter what happens. From the depth of my heart I feel like things will be alright. I may not be able to change my past up until now or the people I’ve met. But I can change myself starting from this point. That I have the power to change. That is certain.
My relationship with alcohol has always been a rocky one. My drinking patterns getting worse as I’ve aged and gained independence. Lately my relationship with it is starting to scare me. I’ve always been one who knows their limits. I’ve never blacked out or puked. I have puked maybe a totally of 3 or 4 times but it was privately and never at a social setting. But because of my high tolerance, frequency and habits, I am starting to worry about myself.
On Saturday, I drank a little too much and when I stood up I fell in front of me. All on the cans near me. My nose is a little sore, and I have a bruise on my upper lip, and a little cut near my right eye. Then when I thought I learned my lesson. I drank again on Monday. Too much too fast. I have a problem. If I’m treating alcohol like water where it just goes down so easily. I’m going to get burned. I was up most of the night just from the effects of drinking too much once again. I had shivers. I couldn’t sleep. I was afraid to.
Things are getting out of hand. I really need to quit. Or stop for a while. I drink mostly out of loneliness. I’m here living in a foreign country. In the backwaters of no where. No one to talk to. No one to share things with. I need people. People I can talk to and share myself with them. I think I need that, but I need to take responsibility too. Just saying it out of loneliness is an excuse. That’s the trigger so now I need to find alternatives to fill in that time.
When I am drinking sometimes I might think to myself, “I don’t care if I die. I don’t care what happens to me.” But just how can I say those things to myself? I don’t feel like myself anymore. Even when I buy alcohol sometimes I feel like my own stomach is crying out. It knows what it will be going through again. I’m tired of being in my own skin. I want to change. I know I’m gradually killing myself. I want to break this habit.
I need to keep with this desire.
Everyday. Every hour. Every minute. Every second.
For the past few years since I started living on my own waaay out here in Japan. I’ve noticed when winter rolls around my mood takes a turn for the worst. I feel like it has always done this but I never noticed or thought it was something of concern. No matter how confident or good about myself I feel it will always happen. Never fear when the days start getting shorter so does my mood to keep on going. I’ve come to the conclusion that I must be one of those that just feels down during the winter season. The days are shorter. Less sunlight. Wake up at 5 or 6 and the sun still isn’t out. Not to mention the nights are freezing because Japanese housing is horrible at keeping the cold out. This year was particularly bad because of all the crap that happened at the start of it.
I bring this up because for the past two days the temperature has been rather mild, and the sun is staying out a bit longer. My apartment doesn’t feel like an ice box. My mood is recovering. I feel better about things and for the past month and a half I haven’t had any sort of suicidal thoughts. I’ve put my relationship with my ex behind me. I am no long haunted by the death of relatives nor do I dwell on the possible deaths of other loved ones. I’m open to meeting people but no longer actively looking for a relationship. I’ve also stopped thinking too deeply about turning 28 in a few months. I’ve started changing the way I study Japanese and start using it more at work. I have some other side jobs lined up as well for the coming school year. So some extra income will do me fine. I’ve decided that the next school year will be my last year in this area. I want to move on and live in another area of Japan.
So, I have all these things I’ve come to terms with, and things to look forward to. I feel like things can actually get better. Even though I still have been drinking mostly on a daily basis, and eating the worst of foods. I feel like I can quit, and perhaps I haven’t been drinking AS much as I think I have. I have managed to save about $1000 USD in Yen.
Things are improving. As they say time heals all wounds.
I don’t know what happened but for the past three days I have been in high spirits again. I feel like I can work at whatever I need to get done. It’s as if whatever hill I was climbing up now has reached a flat surface.
Have I finally reached a point where I can move on?