あいさつ プラス 相手に「プラスの関心を持っている」と伝える挨拶。
「おはようございます」 －－－＞ 「週末はお出かけになるんですか。」
あいさつ プラス 相手に「プラスの関心を持っている」と伝える挨拶。
「おはようございます」 －－－＞ 「週末はお出かけになるんですか。」
My relationships eventually all breakdown.
Male or female. Something just eventually happens whenever I get too close to people. I just become cruel, and critical.
I’m not meant to have relationships with humans.
I’m meant to be alone, but I can still do good for others. I just can’t get too close to them…
I can’t deal with intimacy with females. I need myself. I can’t stand the thought of losing myself. My own freedom and the sacrifice of being with someone.
I would go insane being at the whim of another. My ideal relationship would be one where I could maintain something at a distant and feel good. Maybe be intimate at times. But sex isn’t something that arouses me. I don’t see myself having a family. I find more pleasure just pulling women along. And after I’ve “captured” them it’s time for the next one. A new woman. A new experience.
Others say I’m selfish. I’d rather keep to myself than to bring another life into the world. I don’t know. Relationships mean nothing to me really. I take them for granted.
I know I’m horrible. And that is why I am alone.
Well today I have another date with my third woman since I broke up with my girlfriend in August. It’s slightly annoying the only women I can seem to go on dates with are in their low to mid 30s. I don’t have too much of a problem with this. But many of them are looking to settle down and have a family. While I on the other hand just want someone to talk or be able to do something with someone. I guess I could rant about this and how Japanese generally have no time for this in another entry.
Anyway this woman I am going to see today is 32 and if you remember I am 27. We have been on and off talking for some time, I suppose. I know I remember sending her messages on the dating site I used before I was dating my ex. Recently we just started talking more frequently. To be honest, I really don’t know too much about her, and if I did ask her anything about herself I totally forgot. That’s seems to be a frequent problem with the women I encounter on this site. They have zero personality and zero interests. No opinions of their own. Nothing of interest to talk about. There is no catch ball conversation. Rather it feels like an interrogation room. The thing about these dating sites that I have noticed is they basically contain the dregs of Japanese society. Women who have exceeded the normal standard of marriage among their own kind. So they turn to foreigners. For example, women looking for a foreign man to marry them and take care of their kids from another marriage. Gold diggers. Women who just want to marry a foreigner. Women with kids. Women who have psychologically issues. Women with some kind of strange hobby.
I did have some interesting conversation with some Japanese women online, but they usually live farther away or they fizzle out. So what kind of issue does this woman have? Well, last weekend I was at a party. I was riding with a Japanese guy on the way to a hot spring. I get this message from her in Japanese of course. She knows no English from what I am aware. She tells me that she is going to lose her job starting from February. I reply saying, “That’s too bad. Try looking online or applying elsewhere.” She then answers that she is going to do that. But what really got me was what she said after this.
“Also, I don’t know if I want to marry you. I want to have a family. I want to have kids. My dream is quite simple. I want to go with my husband and children to the market and cook dinner. And go to restaurants together. I want to do that.” This was a red flag of the highest level. I’m talking to the guy driving, and he thought it was also quite dangerous. Especially since we had never even met in person yet.
So, yeah I don’t know about this. I’m not very interested in marriage, and I should make that clear to her today. Today could be fun, and maybe she could be interesting. But, I’m not counting on anything. At least she is only about 45 minutes away. All these other dates have been two or even three hours away.
I’ll update later.
My ex-girlfriend always said to me that she was fascinated by how I always seemed to be able to remember my dreams all the time. She could never really remember hers. Waking up today left me with an eerie and yet nostalgic feeling.
In the dream, I had met my ex again in a store but she looked more grown up and adult. Dating her she looked more like a middle school girl trying to act like an adult. Always buying expensive brand name stuff. In the dream, she was wearing one of those simple wool sweaters that really made her breasts noticeable. I think the color was blue? Her hair was much shorter too. It didn’t make her look like a guy but it was done in a feminine kind of way, but it was still pretty short by my standards. I remember the reaction I had. I felt like kicking myself for breaking up with someone who would have become so beautiful.
I remember the setting was a college in the state I am from, but I have never actually been there. I remember following my ex outside. I remember losing her at one point and was just walking around the campus. Brown stone comes to mind. I also remember RPG maker some how being a part of this dream. There was something 8-bit about this dream but I can’t remember how. After walking around I remember coming to a church build on the campus. I remember finding it very strange because I didn’t think the college was anything affiliated with Catholicism. I went inside to find it looked very much like the church I had attended growing up with my parents. Everything looked almost exactly the same. Although, the painting of St. Francis at the alter seemed distorted and painted in a different style. Walking around there were a lot of strange religious statues in the aisles. One even surprised me because it was moving. I remember being like, “Who put this thing here?”
Walking out of the church, I caught up with my ex again. I remember seeing her and jumping down from a platform onto a sandy surface. I remember metal bars around. There was a sunset in the background. I think I had apologized for the horrible things I said when I was drunk to her, and that I was sorry for breaking up. I remember shouting, “But, I just couldn’t deal with the distance!”
And then I woke up. I wonder what it all means?
Today was rather hard since I had to go shopping but I stayed sober again today.
Days sober: 4
No matter what language you speak there are going to be people looking for something free. A woman messaged me recently on this dating site that I pay money to just be able to message others freely. It’s an only Japanese dating website.
So anyway, this woman, with no profile picture mind you. Sends me a message in English asking me how she can be good in English because my Japanese was perfect to her in my profile. My profile is entirely in Japanese because I am all about that do everything in Japanese shit. Well except this blog. This is one of the few English outlets I have.
So I read her message and I was quite angry to be honest. These messages don’t come up very often but when they do they are usually from older women or college students. So I message this woman back telling her to basically piss off in polite Japanese. That I am paying to use this site, not some personal English teacher and maybe she should look into English classes.
Her response was funny because her tone totally changed from her first message. She tells me in Japanese that she couldn’t understand MY Japanese because it wasn’t perfect. Whatever that means. I talk to everyone in Japanese. Those who message me and those I message. I think I have a pretty good grasp on the language if I can hold conversation like this. I think she was just butthurt that I didn’t give her the kind of answer she was expecting. I’m on this dating site looking for a relationship. Not looking to give free English lessons or my opinion on English learning.
No matter what language. Man or woman. You’re going to find people asking for a free hand out.
I’ve been rather unstable this week since breaking up with my long distance girlfriend. I think it’s due to drinking things like caffeine and alcohol. I woke up this morning and didn’t have a hangover but I was low. Really low. Wanting to commit suicide low. I know alcohol is a depressant but that was bad. I couldn’t do anything today but mope around, and feel sad. It was strange because right now I feel very energetic and great.
Lately I can’t seem to stop thinking about all the things wrong with our relationship. They didn’t really occur to me because it was a LDR. The first year was pretty good up until last summer, but around that time I wanted out of the relationship. I kept ignoring my feelings. Why? I mean, I can’t recall the last conversation we actually had where I felt interested in what she was talking about. Generally our conversations turned very mundane and boring. Usually they were about things going on during the day and such. Looking back it feels like, “Well, we’re together now so no reason to try anymore to keep the relationship alive. We don’t need to learn anything new about each other.”
No wonder I was feeling stressed and less motivated. I was giving a lot of energy for this relationship, but getting very little in return. Sure, she did a lot of things. A lot of nice things. She helped me out a lot. I’m grateful. But it was like putting in all this effort for an agreeable personality. I motivated her and gave her the strength to finally find a job she wanted. She found one. But, I felt drained from it all. I wasn’t happy being together. I just wasn’t satisfied emotionally. Maybe it being a long distance relationship had nothing to do with? Well, I’m wrong. It probably had something to do with it. But you see I tried to share with her things that interested me, but she never really commented. And I guess that’s fine, but I wanted her to connect with me some how. Sometimes she did, and those times were fun. Likewise she never really shared many things about herself after that initial first few dates and conversations. I wonder if she even had any interests? I remember asking her if she was passionate about anything and she had no idea.
I hated having to do things her way on dates. It was always about going to places she wanted to go to or see. They were good places. I have no complaints about that. But the places I wanted to see? “Oh, you can go alone.” I want a relationship where we can both share in the things we enjoy together. And not feel bad about it. God! The final time she was over at my apartment she just spent the entire time in my other room watching dramas on her phone while I was studying Japanese. She finally said it upset her I would do the things I wanted to do in my own apartment! I mean come on! I have my own interests outside of you, you know?
Which goes into how passive-aggressive she was. For how long our relationship was going, she never got into the things that were upsetting her. If she loved me, and trusted me she would have been able to express those things to me honestly. Many times I wanted to share with her what was on my mind about our relationship. I should have. I regret it and I need to be aware of these things in my next relationship.
That’s all I got. I’m tired.
I was thinking about some of the things I need to be aware of next time if I do ever get into another relationship. I grew and learned a lot from it. I know she did too.
1. Have self awareness. If something doesn’t feel right then it probably is something you should think more about and not rush into. Possible option is write about it to sort out your feelings.
2. Ask questions and never stop. Always try to keep the relationship interesting/fresh. What kinds of things bother you? What are your fetishes? Do you mind I drink alcohol? What things do you have a passion for? What are your ideals? Do you mind I like such and such hobby?
3. Don’t rush into things. If you honestly feel weird about the progression of the relationship say something. Don’t mindless just sit back for the ride.
4. Don’t be too kind. Speak up and consider things. Better to work on a problem then to ignore it.
5. Don’t always go along with their plan. You have hobbies and interests of your own. Speak up about them. If they feel weird about taking part or not giving your own chance to do things you enjoy together then reconsider the relationship.
6. Communicate! If there is no communication then things will eventually break down.
7. Try to avoid a long distance relationship. If you do happen to pursue one. Set goals and ideas early on for the possibility of being closer. Talk about it. In the end, don’t avoid it.
8. Never give up your own personal beliefs, ideals and values for someone else. You have your own personal ways of working within this world. For example, if you believe going to bed at 10:30 every night is what your body needs then that is what it needs. Try to talk about the values and ideals you share and don’t share. Try to compromise and see from their viewpoint.