I’m not depressed.
Depression was what I had 3 years ago. When my uncle and grandmother passed away and I broke up with my girlfriend of two years.
This is an entirely different monster. I’m tired. Stressed. Lonely in Japan. I’m tired of this self induced isolation I’m feeling.
I’m working too much, but I need the money if I ever want to move successfully in March. But working more has come with its sacrifices. My time for myself. I work from Monday to Friday. 8 to 9. By the end of the day I just feel so drained and tired. I need a quick pick me up.
I’ve given into addictions. Smoking. Drinking. Masturbation.
Instead of dealing with my stress in a mature way. I’ve turned to instant gratification that just leaves me empty and dead inside. At first I didn’t mind. But now things are taking their toll. My self confidence is broken. I’m just realizing my habits and their negative effects. I’m starting to feel enough is enough.
On my way to work, I smoke. On my way to work at night, I smoke. At home, I smoke. One cigarette after another. My heart feels like shit after a while, and I’m tired of it. I have been smoking like this since July. When I get home on a Friday, I just come home and drink beer and masturbate. I’ve been doing this for a few years.
But I’m tired of it. I’m searching for something in the wrong things.
“Just a little more! When March comes, things will change. Right now it’s okay. Just wait till March and you won’t be doing these things any more.” I say this to myself.
But if I don’t choose to change now. Then I will never change. What I’m doing isn’t helping me. It isn’t giving me strength. It’s just draining.
I know if I delete my porn. Then everything will begin to change. But I’m afraid to make that step. Just like when I gave up my anime obsession nearly 5 years ago, I need the strength to quit. What I’m doing is blocking me from growing into a better person.
Closer to my best self.
My relationship with alcohol has always been a rocky one. My drinking patterns getting worse as I’ve aged and gained independence. Lately my relationship with it is starting to scare me. I’ve always been one who knows their limits. I’ve never blacked out or puked. I have puked maybe a totally of 3 or 4 times but it was privately and never at a social setting. But because of my high tolerance, frequency and habits, I am starting to worry about myself.
On Saturday, I drank a little too much and when I stood up I fell in front of me. All on the cans near me. My nose is a little sore, and I have a bruise on my upper lip, and a little cut near my right eye. Then when I thought I learned my lesson. I drank again on Monday. Too much too fast. I have a problem. If I’m treating alcohol like water where it just goes down so easily. I’m going to get burned. I was up most of the night just from the effects of drinking too much once again. I had shivers. I couldn’t sleep. I was afraid to.
Things are getting out of hand. I really need to quit. Or stop for a while. I drink mostly out of loneliness. I’m here living in a foreign country. In the backwaters of no where. No one to talk to. No one to share things with. I need people. People I can talk to and share myself with them. I think I need that, but I need to take responsibility too. Just saying it out of loneliness is an excuse. That’s the trigger so now I need to find alternatives to fill in that time.
When I am drinking sometimes I might think to myself, “I don’t care if I die. I don’t care what happens to me.” But just how can I say those things to myself? I don’t feel like myself anymore. Even when I buy alcohol sometimes I feel like my own stomach is crying out. It knows what it will be going through again. I’m tired of being in my own skin. I want to change. I know I’m gradually killing myself. I want to break this habit.
I need to keep with this desire.
Everyday. Every hour. Every minute. Every second.
My relationships eventually all breakdown.
Male or female. Something just eventually happens whenever I get too close to people. I just become cruel, and critical.
I’m not meant to have relationships with humans.
I’m meant to be alone, but I can still do good for others. I just can’t get too close to them…
I can’t deal with intimacy with females. I need myself. I can’t stand the thought of losing myself. My own freedom and the sacrifice of being with someone.
I would go insane being at the whim of another. My ideal relationship would be one where I could maintain something at a distant and feel good. Maybe be intimate at times. But sex isn’t something that arouses me. I don’t see myself having a family. I find more pleasure just pulling women along. And after I’ve “captured” them it’s time for the next one. A new woman. A new experience.
Others say I’m selfish. I’d rather keep to myself than to bring another life into the world. I don’t know. Relationships mean nothing to me really. I take them for granted.
I know I’m horrible. And that is why I am alone.
This is the first Saturday in a very long time where I am actually not nursing a hangover or even feel a desire to drink. I am just so sick of being tired. Being drunk. Being stressed out. I am at the point I can’t handle the stress of day to day without alcohol. I’ve drank a lot in the past but nothing like the past 3 months have been like. Maybe during September/October when I would drink a lot, I’d get a lot of suicidal thoughts. And then the day after I would feel so low after the alcohol left my system. I had never felt like that before. I asked online, and someone mentioned that after your body just numbs out from the constant alcohol. It starts to effect your feelings. Your personality. I cannot deny this.
But lately I don’t feel so. Like I need alcohol. Am I starting to turn around again? Am I now ready to live in reality again? But at what cost? I really put my body through a lot of shit. I have a lot to work on. A lot to build up that I destroyed. But I want to live, and I want to continue.
I wonder if my increased heart rate has anything to do with trying to sober up and get alcohol out of my body? Man, I can’t believe this is just day 3 (again) since I last drank a lot. I miss not having to think about this shit. I miss just having a drink now and then, but never to the point of getting super drunk. To the point of just pissing everywhere and anywhere in my room. That was a pain to clean up, but by then it was too late because I thought it was a dream. My problem is I am a binge drinker. I like to just get drunk and fast. I think that it might make the things I enjoy better, but I always never end up enjoying them in the end. For the past few months I have been associating alcohol with masturbation too. But the thing is drinking alcohol makes masturbation worse.
Recently I had someone over and they mentioned that they could tell the last owners had a cat. Probably her subtle way of saying my apartment smelled like piss. I miss not having my drinking get out of hand. My drinking was also a cause of me breaking up with my girlfriend. It was just getting drunk and chatting to her online like a total ass hole.
Last time I made it to 5 days sober but then broke it. I am aiming for at least 6 days this time. I am trying to get into the habit of eating healthier again too. No more snack foods or stuff from the convenience stores. No more nights of just drinking beer with nothing to eat. If I’m hungry it has to be something I make. I am eating fruits and more fiber. I used to use the bathroom almost every morning, but since I started drinking almost everyday I stopped. And when I would use the bathroom it would all come out as diarrhoea. Been using the bathroom a little bit lately, and it hasn’t been diarrhoea. I assume that is a good thing, and my body is recovering in some way.
This is a hard road, but I can get back to having a healthy relationship with alcohol again.
Days sober: 3
My ex-girlfriend always said to me that she was fascinated by how I always seemed to be able to remember my dreams all the time. She could never really remember hers. Waking up today left me with an eerie and yet nostalgic feeling.
In the dream, I had met my ex again in a store but she looked more grown up and adult. Dating her she looked more like a middle school girl trying to act like an adult. Always buying expensive brand name stuff. In the dream, she was wearing one of those simple wool sweaters that really made her breasts noticeable. I think the color was blue? Her hair was much shorter too. It didn’t make her look like a guy but it was done in a feminine kind of way, but it was still pretty short by my standards. I remember the reaction I had. I felt like kicking myself for breaking up with someone who would have become so beautiful.
I remember the setting was a college in the state I am from, but I have never actually been there. I remember following my ex outside. I remember losing her at one point and was just walking around the campus. Brown stone comes to mind. I also remember RPG maker some how being a part of this dream. There was something 8-bit about this dream but I can’t remember how. After walking around I remember coming to a church build on the campus. I remember finding it very strange because I didn’t think the college was anything affiliated with Catholicism. I went inside to find it looked very much like the church I had attended growing up with my parents. Everything looked almost exactly the same. Although, the painting of St. Francis at the alter seemed distorted and painted in a different style. Walking around there were a lot of strange religious statues in the aisles. One even surprised me because it was moving. I remember being like, “Who put this thing here?”
Walking out of the church, I caught up with my ex again. I remember seeing her and jumping down from a platform onto a sandy surface. I remember metal bars around. There was a sunset in the background. I think I had apologized for the horrible things I said when I was drunk to her, and that I was sorry for breaking up. I remember shouting, “But, I just couldn’t deal with the distance!”
And then I woke up. I wonder what it all means?
Today was rather hard since I had to go shopping but I stayed sober again today.
Days sober: 4