I’m not depressed.
Depression was what I had 3 years ago. When my uncle and grandmother passed away and I broke up with my girlfriend of two years.
This is an entirely different monster. I’m tired. Stressed. Lonely in Japan. I’m tired of this self induced isolation I’m feeling.
I’m working too much, but I need the money if I ever want to move successfully in March. But working more has come with its sacrifices. My time for myself. I work from Monday to Friday. 8 to 9. By the end of the day I just feel so drained and tired. I need a quick pick me up.
I’ve given into addictions. Smoking. Drinking. Masturbation.
Instead of dealing with my stress in a mature way. I’ve turned to instant gratification that just leaves me empty and dead inside. At first I didn’t mind. But now things are taking their toll. My self confidence is broken. I’m just realizing my habits and their negative effects. I’m starting to feel enough is enough.
On my way to work, I smoke. On my way to work at night, I smoke. At home, I smoke. One cigarette after another. My heart feels like shit after a while, and I’m tired of it. I have been smoking like this since July. When I get home on a Friday, I just come home and drink beer and masturbate. I’ve been doing this for a few years.
But I’m tired of it. I’m searching for something in the wrong things.
“Just a little more! When March comes, things will change. Right now it’s okay. Just wait till March and you won’t be doing these things any more.” I say this to myself.
But if I don’t choose to change now. Then I will never change. What I’m doing isn’t helping me. It isn’t giving me strength. It’s just draining.
I know if I delete my porn. Then everything will begin to change. But I’m afraid to make that step. Just like when I gave up my anime obsession nearly 5 years ago, I need the strength to quit. What I’m doing is blocking me from growing into a better person.
Closer to my best self.
ま、それにしても楽しかった。みんなは酔ったし、僕は考えすぎるかな。 でも、パーティーの流れはちょっと分かりにくかったけどな。パーティーの時間が終わって二次会に進むと思った。３０分か一時間を経ってから、「なんでカラオケとか行かないかな。」と 結局パーティーから去った。つまらなくなったからだ。まだよく酔った僕は電車に乗って近くの都会みたいなところに行った。 そこに着いて一人でカラオケしたり、居酒屋でもっと飲んだりした。独り言ばかり言いながら、居酒屋の窓から外の歩いている人を見ていた。 ぼーっとして不満不平のこと考え込んだ。その時に新しいＡＬＴの顔を見た。ちょっと自分で笑って「へー嘘つきじゃないか。」 実はこの人は「ああ、あたしは疲れているわ。帰ります。じゃね。」と理由でパーティーから先に帰った。
I’m not sure what I’m looking for.
No level of love.
No level of achievement.
No amount of friendships.
No amount of alcohol.
No matter how many times I masturbate.
It cannot shake the feelings I have.
Am I just an introvert? Just doomed to be alone?
I feel as if I’ve been committing sin after sin. I want to be forgiven by someone or something.
Is this why people turn towards a higher power?
Humans want something bigger than themselves.
Last night I just felt so out of it. Laying alone on my futon. Thinking about nothing in particular.
Sleeping and being awake.
I slept for about 12 hours.
I wonder if I’m going crazy as I spiral more and more into this darkness?
I had a strange dream where I met my grandmother who passed away in November.
Only to wake up from that to find it was a dream. I was talking with my mother about meeting grandmom.
Only to wake up again to find those both were dreams.
I always remember my dreams with great accuracy.
But it always makes me question what is reality?
Sometimes I’ll have dreams where it makes me question reality.
Do you honestly know what it’s like to not even mutter a word over the weekend? Only to speak that Monday morning at work.
“I have a voice?” I thought with surprise to myself.
I hate being home.
I want to do anything that gets me out of my apartment.
I’ve been busy lately but I want to take the time to write down the things that have been on my mind.
I feel like things have on the whole have returned to normal. Normal as in I don’t feel depressed. I’m not abusing anything. Getting things done on a daily basis. Just trying to live life. Things are balanced more or less. There are some things that I want to do more of. There are some things I want to do less of. But I’m not stressing over them too much. I’m changing for the better even if it is slightly each day.
My job has picked up. Well, it’s still the same grind every day, but I’m just tired of the dullness of everything. So, I try to be more random with students. Saying odd things to them that might put them off guard. For example, instead of saying good morning or hello when I see them. I might say good night or goodbye. In high school, I had a teacher like this actually. Doing this has helped in a few ways. Social conversation. Maybe it’s my imagination but it just seems like I am using Japanese more and fluently. Or at least trying to. Either due to my recent no care attitude or reading more books or maybe a mix of the two.
I feel even more confident about doing my job too. When I first started out teaching English, I was so inexperienced. I was afraid to talk in front of students. I was afraid to do almost anything by myself. Now, I just go in and do it. Especially when I teach my business classes. They are absolutely easy since I have a textbook and a teacher’s guide. All I have to do is just follow the guide for the most part. But it’s all just so easy. I don’t even know where I go during that time. It’s like my mind just goes white and then it’s over. I know how the lesson is going to go. I have it set out in my hand and I just do that. I would love to do more business classes if they had them available. But at this time of the year, they probably have them all filled.
At home I’ve stopped abusing beer, but now I drink whiskey. I’ve grown to like the stuff. My only experiences with whiskey was drinking some cheap Japanese whiskey when I was a college student here. Of course at that time we drank together to rant and vent our feelings regarding Japan. We drank to get drunk. But last weekend, I bought some Jack Daniel’s on a whim and just casually drank it with ice. I enjoyed it. So lately I’ve been drinking Japanese whiskey. But nothing that ever gets me all that drunk. I don’t even feel any sort of hangover. It’s strange. But it’s probably doing something to my sleep patterns. My face looks like hell. But anything is better than my side hurting, and having digestion problems because of beer.
Overall life is getting balanced. Working through my shit each day. I don’t need a relationship right now. I don’t even know if I ever want one. At any rate what’s most important is myself.
My relationship with alcohol has always been a rocky one. My drinking patterns getting worse as I’ve aged and gained independence. Lately my relationship with it is starting to scare me. I’ve always been one who knows their limits. I’ve never blacked out or puked. I have puked maybe a totally of 3 or 4 times but it was privately and never at a social setting. But because of my high tolerance, frequency and habits, I am starting to worry about myself.
On Saturday, I drank a little too much and when I stood up I fell in front of me. All on the cans near me. My nose is a little sore, and I have a bruise on my upper lip, and a little cut near my right eye. Then when I thought I learned my lesson. I drank again on Monday. Too much too fast. I have a problem. If I’m treating alcohol like water where it just goes down so easily. I’m going to get burned. I was up most of the night just from the effects of drinking too much once again. I had shivers. I couldn’t sleep. I was afraid to.
Things are getting out of hand. I really need to quit. Or stop for a while. I drink mostly out of loneliness. I’m here living in a foreign country. In the backwaters of no where. No one to talk to. No one to share things with. I need people. People I can talk to and share myself with them. I think I need that, but I need to take responsibility too. Just saying it out of loneliness is an excuse. That’s the trigger so now I need to find alternatives to fill in that time.
When I am drinking sometimes I might think to myself, “I don’t care if I die. I don’t care what happens to me.” But just how can I say those things to myself? I don’t feel like myself anymore. Even when I buy alcohol sometimes I feel like my own stomach is crying out. It knows what it will be going through again. I’m tired of being in my own skin. I want to change. I know I’m gradually killing myself. I want to break this habit.
I need to keep with this desire.
Everyday. Every hour. Every minute. Every second.
My relationships eventually all breakdown.
Male or female. Something just eventually happens whenever I get too close to people. I just become cruel, and critical.
I’m not meant to have relationships with humans.
I’m meant to be alone, but I can still do good for others. I just can’t get too close to them…
I can’t deal with intimacy with females. I need myself. I can’t stand the thought of losing myself. My own freedom and the sacrifice of being with someone.
I would go insane being at the whim of another. My ideal relationship would be one where I could maintain something at a distant and feel good. Maybe be intimate at times. But sex isn’t something that arouses me. I don’t see myself having a family. I find more pleasure just pulling women along. And after I’ve “captured” them it’s time for the next one. A new woman. A new experience.
Others say I’m selfish. I’d rather keep to myself than to bring another life into the world. I don’t know. Relationships mean nothing to me really. I take them for granted.
I know I’m horrible. And that is why I am alone.
This is the first Saturday in a very long time where I am actually not nursing a hangover or even feel a desire to drink. I am just so sick of being tired. Being drunk. Being stressed out. I am at the point I can’t handle the stress of day to day without alcohol. I’ve drank a lot in the past but nothing like the past 3 months have been like. Maybe during September/October when I would drink a lot, I’d get a lot of suicidal thoughts. And then the day after I would feel so low after the alcohol left my system. I had never felt like that before. I asked online, and someone mentioned that after your body just numbs out from the constant alcohol. It starts to effect your feelings. Your personality. I cannot deny this.
But lately I don’t feel so. Like I need alcohol. Am I starting to turn around again? Am I now ready to live in reality again? But at what cost? I really put my body through a lot of shit. I have a lot to work on. A lot to build up that I destroyed. But I want to live, and I want to continue.