I’m not depressed.
Depression was what I had 3 years ago. When my uncle and grandmother passed away and I broke up with my girlfriend of two years.
This is an entirely different monster. I’m tired. Stressed. Lonely in Japan. I’m tired of this self induced isolation I’m feeling.
I’m working too much, but I need the money if I ever want to move successfully in March. But working more has come with its sacrifices. My time for myself. I work from Monday to Friday. 8 to 9. By the end of the day I just feel so drained and tired. I need a quick pick me up.
I’ve given into addictions. Smoking. Drinking. Masturbation.
Instead of dealing with my stress in a mature way. I’ve turned to instant gratification that just leaves me empty and dead inside. At first I didn’t mind. But now things are taking their toll. My self confidence is broken. I’m just realizing my habits and their negative effects. I’m starting to feel enough is enough.
On my way to work, I smoke. On my way to work at night, I smoke. At home, I smoke. One cigarette after another. My heart feels like shit after a while, and I’m tired of it. I have been smoking like this since July. When I get home on a Friday, I just come home and drink beer and masturbate. I’ve been doing this for a few years.
But I’m tired of it. I’m searching for something in the wrong things.
“Just a little more! When March comes, things will change. Right now it’s okay. Just wait till March and you won’t be doing these things any more.” I say this to myself.
But if I don’t choose to change now. Then I will never change. What I’m doing isn’t helping me. It isn’t giving me strength. It’s just draining.
I know if I delete my porn. Then everything will begin to change. But I’m afraid to make that step. Just like when I gave up my anime obsession nearly 5 years ago, I need the strength to quit. What I’m doing is blocking me from growing into a better person.
Closer to my best self.
夏休み ３日目 後４２日間
I haven’t watched The Simpsons in a very long time. I really liked it when I was watching it as a kid growing up in the 90’s. And as someone living in Japan and studying the language, one episode in particular comes to mind. I think it was during season one because season one was a lot different in style from the other seasons there after.
Anyway, in the episode Bart does a student exchange where he goes to France. Living in France he has no idea about the language. The people he was sent to live with begin to treat him poorly too, but he can’t really do anything about it. They make him stomp on grapes for the wine and give the donkey the pile of hay to sleep on. So Bart is forced to sleep on dirt. Near the end of the episode, Bart is told to go out and buy something. He runs into a French police officer. As he tries to explain to the officer his situation in English, the officer smiles but doesn’t understand. As Bart walks away crestfallen he starts to talk to himself out of frustration only to suddenly start speaking fluent French.
As time goes on here in Japan. I feel more and more like that situation is going to happen. Something is going to happen. One day I am just going to wake up and not even realize I’m speaking Japanese. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t care about making mistakes. I am so aloof that I just don’t care. I want my feelings to be expressed. I want my way of thinking to be recognized. Before I was afraid of being hurt and afraid of hurting others. But I’m tired of it. I don’t care if I’m hurt. I don’t care if I hurt others.
I’ve lived too much of my life keeping my feelings to myself.
No one gives a fuck.
I’m not sure what I’m looking for.
No level of love.
No level of achievement.
No amount of friendships.
No amount of alcohol.
No matter how many times I masturbate.
It cannot shake the feelings I have.
Am I just an introvert? Just doomed to be alone?
I feel as if I’ve been committing sin after sin. I want to be forgiven by someone or something.
Is this why people turn towards a higher power?
Humans want something bigger than themselves.
Last night I just felt so out of it. Laying alone on my futon. Thinking about nothing in particular.
Sleeping and being awake.
I slept for about 12 hours.
I wonder if I’m going crazy as I spiral more and more into this darkness?
I had a strange dream where I met my grandmother who passed away in November.
Only to wake up from that to find it was a dream. I was talking with my mother about meeting grandmom.
Only to wake up again to find those both were dreams.
I always remember my dreams with great accuracy.
But it always makes me question what is reality?
Sometimes I’ll have dreams where it makes me question reality.
Do you honestly know what it’s like to not even mutter a word over the weekend? Only to speak that Monday morning at work.
“I have a voice?” I thought with surprise to myself.
I hate being home.
I want to do anything that gets me out of my apartment.
I’ve been busy lately but I want to take the time to write down the things that have been on my mind.
I feel like things have on the whole have returned to normal. Normal as in I don’t feel depressed. I’m not abusing anything. Getting things done on a daily basis. Just trying to live life. Things are balanced more or less. There are some things that I want to do more of. There are some things I want to do less of. But I’m not stressing over them too much. I’m changing for the better even if it is slightly each day.
My job has picked up. Well, it’s still the same grind every day, but I’m just tired of the dullness of everything. So, I try to be more random with students. Saying odd things to them that might put them off guard. For example, instead of saying good morning or hello when I see them. I might say good night or goodbye. In high school, I had a teacher like this actually. Doing this has helped in a few ways. Social conversation. Maybe it’s my imagination but it just seems like I am using Japanese more and fluently. Or at least trying to. Either due to my recent no care attitude or reading more books or maybe a mix of the two.
I feel even more confident about doing my job too. When I first started out teaching English, I was so inexperienced. I was afraid to talk in front of students. I was afraid to do almost anything by myself. Now, I just go in and do it. Especially when I teach my business classes. They are absolutely easy since I have a textbook and a teacher’s guide. All I have to do is just follow the guide for the most part. But it’s all just so easy. I don’t even know where I go during that time. It’s like my mind just goes white and then it’s over. I know how the lesson is going to go. I have it set out in my hand and I just do that. I would love to do more business classes if they had them available. But at this time of the year, they probably have them all filled.
At home I’ve stopped abusing beer, but now I drink whiskey. I’ve grown to like the stuff. My only experiences with whiskey was drinking some cheap Japanese whiskey when I was a college student here. Of course at that time we drank together to rant and vent our feelings regarding Japan. We drank to get drunk. But last weekend, I bought some Jack Daniel’s on a whim and just casually drank it with ice. I enjoyed it. So lately I’ve been drinking Japanese whiskey. But nothing that ever gets me all that drunk. I don’t even feel any sort of hangover. It’s strange. But it’s probably doing something to my sleep patterns. My face looks like hell. But anything is better than my side hurting, and having digestion problems because of beer.
Overall life is getting balanced. Working through my shit each day. I don’t need a relationship right now. I don’t even know if I ever want one. At any rate what’s most important is myself.
Didn’t drink today. I actually got quite a bit done after I finished work.
Finished a chapter of the Japanese book I’m reading.
Finished the Sunahara sibling route of Clannad.
Finished my Japanese SRS for the day, and now working on catching up on my Kanji writing.
Up until now I couldn’t help but think just what have I been doing with my time? Even on the days when I wasn’t drinking just where was I? I feel like maybe I was on auto pilot. I just wasn’t conscious. I wasn’t aware of what was going on in my daily life.
Lately, I feel as if I’ve once again tapped into my true self. The one that isn’t always so kind and bubbly. More blunt, angry, and to the point. I do what I feel like and don’t worry so much about my surroundings. That me is more critical of everything. I could never find a happy medium for both states of mind. They are both myself and yet very much like day and night. It’s either be kind and selfless or critical and selfish. I like the critical part me because he is more observant and more thinking. But there is never any happiness for him because he is more serious.
But this part of me is also a front. It’s barrier that I cast between myself and others. I’m faking aloofness. I act like I don’t care about others. Like I don’t want to get to know them. While deep inside I wish I could talk with them. Get to know them. I’m confident, but I’m afraid of something. If I truly enjoy being more aware. More conscious. I want to be able to be more honest with myself and others in this mindset. Last year and the year before, having a smile on all the time, and being this kind big brother figure was good then. It was fine. Certain barriers of my mind broke down.
But now there are new ones that I have to take care of. I’m 28, and while I’m young yet, I guess. I don’t really think so, though. But, I realize it’s necessary to once again observe myself and my thinking. Reevaluate myself.
No matter what happens. From the depth of my heart I feel like things will be alright. I may not be able to change my past up until now or the people I’ve met. But I can change myself starting from this point. That I have the power to change. That is certain.