夏休み ３日目 後４２日間
I’m not sure what I’m looking for.
No level of love.
No level of achievement.
No amount of friendships.
No amount of alcohol.
No matter how many times I masturbate.
It cannot shake the feelings I have.
Am I just an introvert? Just doomed to be alone?
I feel as if I’ve been committing sin after sin. I want to be forgiven by someone or something.
Is this why people turn towards a higher power?
Humans want something bigger than themselves.
Last night I just felt so out of it. Laying alone on my futon. Thinking about nothing in particular.
Sleeping and being awake.
I slept for about 12 hours.
I wonder if I’m going crazy as I spiral more and more into this darkness?
I had a strange dream where I met my grandmother who passed away in November.
Only to wake up from that to find it was a dream. I was talking with my mother about meeting grandmom.
Only to wake up again to find those both were dreams.
I always remember my dreams with great accuracy.
But it always makes me question what is reality?
Sometimes I’ll have dreams where it makes me question reality.
Do you honestly know what it’s like to not even mutter a word over the weekend? Only to speak that Monday morning at work.
“I have a voice?” I thought with surprise to myself.
I hate being home.
I want to do anything that gets me out of my apartment.
I’ve been busy lately but I want to take the time to write down the things that have been on my mind.
I feel like things have on the whole have returned to normal. Normal as in I don’t feel depressed. I’m not abusing anything. Getting things done on a daily basis. Just trying to live life. Things are balanced more or less. There are some things that I want to do more of. There are some things I want to do less of. But I’m not stressing over them too much. I’m changing for the better even if it is slightly each day.
My job has picked up. Well, it’s still the same grind every day, but I’m just tired of the dullness of everything. So, I try to be more random with students. Saying odd things to them that might put them off guard. For example, instead of saying good morning or hello when I see them. I might say good night or goodbye. In high school, I had a teacher like this actually. Doing this has helped in a few ways. Social conversation. Maybe it’s my imagination but it just seems like I am using Japanese more and fluently. Or at least trying to. Either due to my recent no care attitude or reading more books or maybe a mix of the two.
I feel even more confident about doing my job too. When I first started out teaching English, I was so inexperienced. I was afraid to talk in front of students. I was afraid to do almost anything by myself. Now, I just go in and do it. Especially when I teach my business classes. They are absolutely easy since I have a textbook and a teacher’s guide. All I have to do is just follow the guide for the most part. But it’s all just so easy. I don’t even know where I go during that time. It’s like my mind just goes white and then it’s over. I know how the lesson is going to go. I have it set out in my hand and I just do that. I would love to do more business classes if they had them available. But at this time of the year, they probably have them all filled.
At home I’ve stopped abusing beer, but now I drink whiskey. I’ve grown to like the stuff. My only experiences with whiskey was drinking some cheap Japanese whiskey when I was a college student here. Of course at that time we drank together to rant and vent our feelings regarding Japan. We drank to get drunk. But last weekend, I bought some Jack Daniel’s on a whim and just casually drank it with ice. I enjoyed it. So lately I’ve been drinking Japanese whiskey. But nothing that ever gets me all that drunk. I don’t even feel any sort of hangover. It’s strange. But it’s probably doing something to my sleep patterns. My face looks like hell. But anything is better than my side hurting, and having digestion problems because of beer.
Overall life is getting balanced. Working through my shit each day. I don’t need a relationship right now. I don’t even know if I ever want one. At any rate what’s most important is myself.
My relationship with alcohol has always been a rocky one. My drinking patterns getting worse as I’ve aged and gained independence. Lately my relationship with it is starting to scare me. I’ve always been one who knows their limits. I’ve never blacked out or puked. I have puked maybe a totally of 3 or 4 times but it was privately and never at a social setting. But because of my high tolerance, frequency and habits, I am starting to worry about myself.
On Saturday, I drank a little too much and when I stood up I fell in front of me. All on the cans near me. My nose is a little sore, and I have a bruise on my upper lip, and a little cut near my right eye. Then when I thought I learned my lesson. I drank again on Monday. Too much too fast. I have a problem. If I’m treating alcohol like water where it just goes down so easily. I’m going to get burned. I was up most of the night just from the effects of drinking too much once again. I had shivers. I couldn’t sleep. I was afraid to.
Things are getting out of hand. I really need to quit. Or stop for a while. I drink mostly out of loneliness. I’m here living in a foreign country. In the backwaters of no where. No one to talk to. No one to share things with. I need people. People I can talk to and share myself with them. I think I need that, but I need to take responsibility too. Just saying it out of loneliness is an excuse. That’s the trigger so now I need to find alternatives to fill in that time.
When I am drinking sometimes I might think to myself, “I don’t care if I die. I don’t care what happens to me.” But just how can I say those things to myself? I don’t feel like myself anymore. Even when I buy alcohol sometimes I feel like my own stomach is crying out. It knows what it will be going through again. I’m tired of being in my own skin. I want to change. I know I’m gradually killing myself. I want to break this habit.
I need to keep with this desire.
Everyday. Every hour. Every minute. Every second.
This is the first Saturday in a very long time where I am actually not nursing a hangover or even feel a desire to drink. I am just so sick of being tired. Being drunk. Being stressed out. I am at the point I can’t handle the stress of day to day without alcohol. I’ve drank a lot in the past but nothing like the past 3 months have been like. Maybe during September/October when I would drink a lot, I’d get a lot of suicidal thoughts. And then the day after I would feel so low after the alcohol left my system. I had never felt like that before. I asked online, and someone mentioned that after your body just numbs out from the constant alcohol. It starts to effect your feelings. Your personality. I cannot deny this.
But lately I don’t feel so. Like I need alcohol. Am I starting to turn around again? Am I now ready to live in reality again? But at what cost? I really put my body through a lot of shit. I have a lot to work on. A lot to build up that I destroyed. But I want to live, and I want to continue.
I wonder if my increased heart rate has anything to do with trying to sober up and get alcohol out of my body? Man, I can’t believe this is just day 3 (again) since I last drank a lot. I miss not having to think about this shit. I miss just having a drink now and then, but never to the point of getting super drunk. To the point of just pissing everywhere and anywhere in my room. That was a pain to clean up, but by then it was too late because I thought it was a dream. My problem is I am a binge drinker. I like to just get drunk and fast. I think that it might make the things I enjoy better, but I always never end up enjoying them in the end. For the past few months I have been associating alcohol with masturbation too. But the thing is drinking alcohol makes masturbation worse.
Recently I had someone over and they mentioned that they could tell the last owners had a cat. Probably her subtle way of saying my apartment smelled like piss. I miss not having my drinking get out of hand. My drinking was also a cause of me breaking up with my girlfriend. It was just getting drunk and chatting to her online like a total ass hole.
Last time I made it to 5 days sober but then broke it. I am aiming for at least 6 days this time. I am trying to get into the habit of eating healthier again too. No more snack foods or stuff from the convenience stores. No more nights of just drinking beer with nothing to eat. If I’m hungry it has to be something I make. I am eating fruits and more fiber. I used to use the bathroom almost every morning, but since I started drinking almost everyday I stopped. And when I would use the bathroom it would all come out as diarrhoea. Been using the bathroom a little bit lately, and it hasn’t been diarrhoea. I assume that is a good thing, and my body is recovering in some way.
This is a hard road, but I can get back to having a healthy relationship with alcohol again.
Days sober: 3
Yesterday, I once again had a rapid heart rate. I don’t get what is causing this. It was the same as last Sunday. No problems, but right when I want to go to bed it starts up. Today was mentally stressful to deal with this fast beating heart. At least by the time I ate lunch it slowed down again.
I think I have some kind of deficiency. So, for now I am going to stop fasting. I’m going to start drinking the milk again at school, and maybe eat a piece of fruit in the morning after my run. I think it’s probably potassium because all the foods that have that I don’t eat. I was eating a lot of spinach, which are also rich in fiber, and avocados.
My father suggests that I should get it checked but I have had experiences like this happening before. But I never thought of it as some kind of deficiency. Mostly because the heart beat was never so bad that it kept me awake at night. I’m going to take it easy for now, and just keep my eye on it. If it does seem to happen again after changing around my diet then I will see a doctor.
Days sober: 1
Goal is at least 6 days sober.