夏休み ３日目 後４２日間
I’m not sure what I’m looking for.
No level of love.
No level of achievement.
No amount of friendships.
No amount of alcohol.
No matter how many times I masturbate.
It cannot shake the feelings I have.
Am I just an introvert? Just doomed to be alone?
I feel as if I’ve been committing sin after sin. I want to be forgiven by someone or something.
Is this why people turn towards a higher power?
Humans want something bigger than themselves.
Last night I just felt so out of it. Laying alone on my futon. Thinking about nothing in particular.
Sleeping and being awake.
I slept for about 12 hours.
I wonder if I’m going crazy as I spiral more and more into this darkness?
I had a strange dream where I met my grandmother who passed away in November.
Only to wake up from that to find it was a dream. I was talking with my mother about meeting grandmom.
Only to wake up again to find those both were dreams.
I always remember my dreams with great accuracy.
But it always makes me question what is reality?
Sometimes I’ll have dreams where it makes me question reality.
Do you honestly know what it’s like to not even mutter a word over the weekend? Only to speak that Monday morning at work.
“I have a voice?” I thought with surprise to myself.
I hate being home.
I want to do anything that gets me out of my apartment.
I’ve been busy lately but I want to take the time to write down the things that have been on my mind.
I feel like things have on the whole have returned to normal. Normal as in I don’t feel depressed. I’m not abusing anything. Getting things done on a daily basis. Just trying to live life. Things are balanced more or less. There are some things that I want to do more of. There are some things I want to do less of. But I’m not stressing over them too much. I’m changing for the better even if it is slightly each day.
My job has picked up. Well, it’s still the same grind every day, but I’m just tired of the dullness of everything. So, I try to be more random with students. Saying odd things to them that might put them off guard. For example, instead of saying good morning or hello when I see them. I might say good night or goodbye. In high school, I had a teacher like this actually. Doing this has helped in a few ways. Social conversation. Maybe it’s my imagination but it just seems like I am using Japanese more and fluently. Or at least trying to. Either due to my recent no care attitude or reading more books or maybe a mix of the two.
I feel even more confident about doing my job too. When I first started out teaching English, I was so inexperienced. I was afraid to talk in front of students. I was afraid to do almost anything by myself. Now, I just go in and do it. Especially when I teach my business classes. They are absolutely easy since I have a textbook and a teacher’s guide. All I have to do is just follow the guide for the most part. But it’s all just so easy. I don’t even know where I go during that time. It’s like my mind just goes white and then it’s over. I know how the lesson is going to go. I have it set out in my hand and I just do that. I would love to do more business classes if they had them available. But at this time of the year, they probably have them all filled.
At home I’ve stopped abusing beer, but now I drink whiskey. I’ve grown to like the stuff. My only experiences with whiskey was drinking some cheap Japanese whiskey when I was a college student here. Of course at that time we drank together to rant and vent our feelings regarding Japan. We drank to get drunk. But last weekend, I bought some Jack Daniel’s on a whim and just casually drank it with ice. I enjoyed it. So lately I’ve been drinking Japanese whiskey. But nothing that ever gets me all that drunk. I don’t even feel any sort of hangover. It’s strange. But it’s probably doing something to my sleep patterns. My face looks like hell. But anything is better than my side hurting, and having digestion problems because of beer.
Overall life is getting balanced. Working through my shit each day. I don’t need a relationship right now. I don’t even know if I ever want one. At any rate what’s most important is myself.
Didn’t drink today. I actually got quite a bit done after I finished work.
Finished a chapter of the Japanese book I’m reading.
Finished the Sunahara sibling route of Clannad.
Finished my Japanese SRS for the day, and now working on catching up on my Kanji writing.
Up until now I couldn’t help but think just what have I been doing with my time? Even on the days when I wasn’t drinking just where was I? I feel like maybe I was on auto pilot. I just wasn’t conscious. I wasn’t aware of what was going on in my daily life.
Lately, I feel as if I’ve once again tapped into my true self. The one that isn’t always so kind and bubbly. More blunt, angry, and to the point. I do what I feel like and don’t worry so much about my surroundings. That me is more critical of everything. I could never find a happy medium for both states of mind. They are both myself and yet very much like day and night. It’s either be kind and selfless or critical and selfish. I like the critical part me because he is more observant and more thinking. But there is never any happiness for him because he is more serious.
But this part of me is also a front. It’s barrier that I cast between myself and others. I’m faking aloofness. I act like I don’t care about others. Like I don’t want to get to know them. While deep inside I wish I could talk with them. Get to know them. I’m confident, but I’m afraid of something. If I truly enjoy being more aware. More conscious. I want to be able to be more honest with myself and others in this mindset. Last year and the year before, having a smile on all the time, and being this kind big brother figure was good then. It was fine. Certain barriers of my mind broke down.
But now there are new ones that I have to take care of. I’m 28, and while I’m young yet, I guess. I don’t really think so, though. But, I realize it’s necessary to once again observe myself and my thinking. Reevaluate myself.
No matter what happens. From the depth of my heart I feel like things will be alright. I may not be able to change my past up until now or the people I’ve met. But I can change myself starting from this point. That I have the power to change. That is certain.
For the past few years since I started living on my own waaay out here in Japan. I’ve noticed when winter rolls around my mood takes a turn for the worst. I feel like it has always done this but I never noticed or thought it was something of concern. No matter how confident or good about myself I feel it will always happen. Never fear when the days start getting shorter so does my mood to keep on going. I’ve come to the conclusion that I must be one of those that just feels down during the winter season. The days are shorter. Less sunlight. Wake up at 5 or 6 and the sun still isn’t out. Not to mention the nights are freezing because Japanese housing is horrible at keeping the cold out. This year was particularly bad because of all the crap that happened at the start of it.
I bring this up because for the past two days the temperature has been rather mild, and the sun is staying out a bit longer. My apartment doesn’t feel like an ice box. My mood is recovering. I feel better about things and for the past month and a half I haven’t had any sort of suicidal thoughts. I’ve put my relationship with my ex behind me. I am no long haunted by the death of relatives nor do I dwell on the possible deaths of other loved ones. I’m open to meeting people but no longer actively looking for a relationship. I’ve also stopped thinking too deeply about turning 28 in a few months. I’ve started changing the way I study Japanese and start using it more at work. I have some other side jobs lined up as well for the coming school year. So some extra income will do me fine. I’ve decided that the next school year will be my last year in this area. I want to move on and live in another area of Japan.
So, I have all these things I’ve come to terms with, and things to look forward to. I feel like things can actually get better. Even though I still have been drinking mostly on a daily basis, and eating the worst of foods. I feel like I can quit, and perhaps I haven’t been drinking AS much as I think I have. I have managed to save about $1000 USD in Yen.
Things are improving. As they say time heals all wounds.
It’s funny how time just repeats itself. In the big picture and in the smaller picture of our own every day lives. It kind of makes one think, do we have any free will at all? Are we ever in control of anything? I sit here in the same type of position I was in last year and the year before that. Alone and having to pay a large fee for something. This time it’s towards a car accident. I wasn’t paying attention and crashed into the curb. At least no one else was involved.
I’m also wondering just what I want to do with myself. The years before this wasn’t such a big deal. I wasn’t feeling like how I feel now. I’m bored. I want something different to do. Something more. Some people want material things. Some people want money. Status. For me it’s self satisfaction. Achievement. I’m not achieving anything. I need to find goals to achieve in my every day life. Little things that will make me feel satisfied each day. I used to do this, but stopped keeping track because it just became like a daily routine.
I don’t want to be in this cold apartment after work anymore either. I’ve asked my company for extra work but haven’t heard anything back yet. I mean, if I’m not doing anything in particular. I might as well be making money instead. In the mean time, I usually go to the library close to where I work. I read or study Japanese. Anything is better than being home.
I’ve gotten so sick of the silence in my apartment. So I just keep the TV on as background noise lately. Some how it has given a slight warmth, and filled the void.
I really have no idea what I want for my future. I’ve pretty much given up on dating. Just tired of the effort. No one wants to meet me since I’m far away from the city. All the people signed up are in their 30s and 40s. I’m not interested. When I was still with my ex, she said that I am a herbivore man. Instead of going after women, I show no real interest in sex and would much rather just stick to friendships. (Although, unknown to her I was much more interested in wanting to meet more women when I was with her.) I’m more concerned about my own things and working on my own self development. I don’t like this label very much. Although, it is true I do show a strong lack of interest in sex. I like masturbation, but the thought of sex was never something that interested me growing up. It was either different kinds of fetishes or things that would lead up to sex that turned me on. But the physical act I could do without for some reason. It is something that doesn’t cross my mind.
Today was a holiday in Japan celebrating coming of age. I wonder if I will ever come of age? I am turning 28 in about 3 months, and I hardly feel like any sort of adult.
I don’t know where I am going with this. I think I’m going to go out and jog for a while to clear my head.
Well today I have another date with my third woman since I broke up with my girlfriend in August. It’s slightly annoying the only women I can seem to go on dates with are in their low to mid 30s. I don’t have too much of a problem with this. But many of them are looking to settle down and have a family. While I on the other hand just want someone to talk or be able to do something with someone. I guess I could rant about this and how Japanese generally have no time for this in another entry.
Anyway this woman I am going to see today is 32 and if you remember I am 27. We have been on and off talking for some time, I suppose. I know I remember sending her messages on the dating site I used before I was dating my ex. Recently we just started talking more frequently. To be honest, I really don’t know too much about her, and if I did ask her anything about herself I totally forgot. That’s seems to be a frequent problem with the women I encounter on this site. They have zero personality and zero interests. No opinions of their own. Nothing of interest to talk about. There is no catch ball conversation. Rather it feels like an interrogation room. The thing about these dating sites that I have noticed is they basically contain the dregs of Japanese society. Women who have exceeded the normal standard of marriage among their own kind. So they turn to foreigners. For example, women looking for a foreign man to marry them and take care of their kids from another marriage. Gold diggers. Women who just want to marry a foreigner. Women with kids. Women who have psychologically issues. Women with some kind of strange hobby.
I did have some interesting conversation with some Japanese women online, but they usually live farther away or they fizzle out. So what kind of issue does this woman have? Well, last weekend I was at a party. I was riding with a Japanese guy on the way to a hot spring. I get this message from her in Japanese of course. She knows no English from what I am aware. She tells me that she is going to lose her job starting from February. I reply saying, “That’s too bad. Try looking online or applying elsewhere.” She then answers that she is going to do that. But what really got me was what she said after this.
“Also, I don’t know if I want to marry you. I want to have a family. I want to have kids. My dream is quite simple. I want to go with my husband and children to the market and cook dinner. And go to restaurants together. I want to do that.” This was a red flag of the highest level. I’m talking to the guy driving, and he thought it was also quite dangerous. Especially since we had never even met in person yet.
So, yeah I don’t know about this. I’m not very interested in marriage, and I should make that clear to her today. Today could be fun, and maybe she could be interesting. But, I’m not counting on anything. At least she is only about 45 minutes away. All these other dates have been two or even three hours away.
I’ll update later.