I had a wonderful summer vacation back home. I haven’t been in America for three years. It was nice to see friends and family again. Returning back I spent ten days with my girlfriend. It was an eye opening experience for both of us and our relationship.
But once the dust settled and everyone left my side. I was once again alone. I fell into despair. Not depression, but more like a slump. After being around people I hadn’t seen and having so much fun with them. I lost myself. For these past three weeks I’ve struggled with these feelings. I found myself trying to find an escape in games, sexual urges, junk food and cheap alcohol. I had forgotten what was important and what I am striving to achieve.
Through this experience I’ve learned that you need to push. You need to keep reminding yourself what is really important to you. And why you continue to do it. Sure it might feel like progress isn’t being made, but you have to push through it. You have to be strong. Change might not happen today, and it might not even happen tomorrow. But you plant the seeds little by little you will see results.
I had forgotten why I am studying Japanese. I’ve been so obsessed with studying for level one of the language test. I forgot just why I am studying to begin with. It’s not for some test. I’m studying to better fit into Japanese society. I have a girlfriend I want to better connect with. I may spend less time on it than in the past but I still love anime and manga. I want to better enjoy that media. Out of this I believe I’ve found a stronger determination to achieve my goal. If I don’t move nothing will change. If I do move something will change. If I move I’m bound to meet something.
I want the freedom to be who I want to be in all instances. I don’t want to fear things because fear is binding.
Crisscross 