Hardly an adult

It’s funny how time just repeats itself. In the big picture and in the smaller picture of our own every day lives. It kind of makes one think, do we have any free will at all? Are we ever in control of anything? I sit here in the same type of position I was in last year and the year before that. Alone and having to pay a large fee for something. This time it’s towards a car accident. I wasn’t paying attention and crashed into the curb. At least no one else was involved.

I’m also wondering just what I want to do with myself. The years before this wasn’t such a big deal. I wasn’t feeling like how I feel now. I’m bored. I want something different to do. Something more. Some people want material things. Some people want money. Status. For me it’s self satisfaction. Achievement. I’m not achieving anything. I need to find goals to achieve in my every day life. Little things that will make me feel satisfied each day. I used to do this, but stopped keeping track because it just became like a daily routine.

I don’t want to be in this cold apartment after work anymore either. I’ve asked my company for extra work but haven’t heard anything back yet. I mean, if I’m not doing anything in particular. I might as well be making money instead. In the mean time, I usually go to the library close to where I work. I read or study Japanese. Anything is better than being home.

I’ve gotten so sick of the silence in my apartment. So I just keep the TV on as background noise lately. Some how it has given a slight warmth, and filled the void.

I really have no idea what I want for my future. I’ve pretty much given up on dating. Just tired of the effort. No one wants to meet me since I’m far away from the city. All the people signed up are in their 30s and 40s. I’m not interested. When I was still with my ex, she said that I am a herbivore man. Instead of going after women, I show no real interest in sex and would much rather just stick to friendships. (Although, unknown to her I was much more interested in wanting to meet more women when I was with her.) I’m more concerned about my own things and working on my own self development. I don’t like this label very much. Although, it is true I do show a strong lack of interest in sex. I like masturbation, but the thought of sex was never something that interested me growing up. It was either different kinds of fetishes or things that would lead up to sex that turned me on. But the physical act I could do without for some reason. It is something that doesn’t cross my mind.

Today was a holiday in Japan celebrating coming of age. I wonder if I will ever come of age? I am turning 28 in about 3 months, and I hardly feel like any sort of adult.

I don’t know where I am going with this. I think I’m going to go out and jog for a while to clear my head.

Flat surface

I don’t know what happened but for the past three days I have been in high spirits again. I feel like I can work at whatever I need to get done. It’s as if whatever hill I was climbing up now has reached a flat surface.

Have I finally reached a point where I can move on?

I hate seasonal company training

Well, it’s that time of the year again. If you don’t know, I live in Japan and I’m teaching English to Japanese students. Rather, saying I am a glorified native English voice box sounds a lot better, though. Anyway, every winter and summer we have company training. It’s the time of the year when many of us dread going. If you don’t go, you lose out on at least 100 dollars from your next paycheck. I don’t even think missing a day of normal work penalizes you for missing a day THAT BAD.

Training wouldn’t be so bad if it were actually of relevance and interest. Instead many of the supervisors focus on very trivial topics. I know they are trying their best, and they have to do this to show the boards of education we are continuously learning about how to teach English. But, I feel like many of the topics they cover should instead be covered in the weekly meetings hosted in each individual area. Lesson planning? Making English activities? That can be covered easier in the weekly smaller meetings. For example, many foreign English teachers don’t need to lesson plan because the other teacher does it, or the Japanese English teacher has their own activities they want to do. So, some of the teachers at the company training would feel bored because they can’t relate to what is being discussed. It’s a waste of time!

At these bigger company trainings, they should focus more on broader topics and more Japanese cultural related topics. Topics that are relevant to us living in a foreign culture. Things that can continuously be covered over but not get boring. Things like dealing with other teachers and students or what to even talk about with either of them. I know all of us face a lot of problems living in Japan. Japan is a difficult country to live in as a foreigner. A lot of us can help each other at these company meetings by discussing those kinds of issues. We would all benefit from that.

But then again everyone is basically just dicking around. I know and they know. Everyone does. It’s just something we have to do to please some higher ups. So, we all try to just tolerate it and get through the day. At the end of the day it really doesn’t matter anyway because Japanese can’t learn English with this current system. It isn’t working to help them learn. There is nothing we (foreign English teachers) can really do about it.

Another thing about these company meetings is it reminds me of my high school experience all over again. I just become so moody over the whole experience. My time is being wasted and on top of this I have to do it with people I don’t know all that well. The supervisors can be dicks too, and come up to you asking stupid questions. Much like the teachers I had in high school at times would. Everyone who attends pretty much pairs off into their own little cliques. They take part in small talk, and what not. That kind of stuff just doesn’t appeal to me at all. It never did. I don’t care what they have to say about their life or what they’ve done, and maybe that is why I am alone. But the thing is I want real conversations. In English and Japanese. So, much like high school I spend a lot of the time reading a book during the training. People just sort of leave me alone and I am content with that.

While I do have my problems with Japanese people, the thing I like about them is that their patterns and thinking are very predictable. But with foreigners, I just can’t read them. It’s very strange and I don’t want to get into the whole notion that I AM JAPANESE. But other foreigners just don’t put me at ease in the same way Japanese do.

Well it’s back to the grind soon. Living it up with the little time I have left.

Japanese dates are with the dregs – Another date today

Well today I have another date with my third woman since I broke up with my girlfriend in August. It’s slightly annoying the only women I can seem to go on dates with are in their low to mid 30s. I don’t have too much of a problem with this. But many of them are looking to settle down and have a family. While I on the other hand just want someone to talk or be able to do something with someone. I guess I could rant about this and how Japanese generally have no time for this in another entry.

Anyway this woman I am going to see today is 32 and if you remember I am 27. We have been on and off talking for some time, I suppose. I know I remember sending her messages on the dating site I used before I was dating my ex. Recently we just started talking more frequently. To be honest, I really don’t know too much about her, and if I did ask her anything about herself I totally forgot. That’s seems to be a frequent problem with the women I encounter on this site. They have zero personality and zero interests. No opinions of their own. Nothing of interest to talk about. There is no catch ball conversation. Rather it feels like an interrogation room. The thing about these dating sites that I have noticed is they basically contain the dregs of Japanese society. Women who have exceeded the normal standard of marriage among their own kind. So they turn to foreigners. For example, women looking for a foreign man to marry them and take care of their kids from another marriage. Gold diggers. Women who just want to marry a foreigner. Women with kids. Women who have psychologically issues. Women with some kind of strange hobby.

I did have some interesting conversation with some Japanese women online, but they usually live farther away or they fizzle out. So what kind of issue does this woman have? Well, last weekend I was at a party. I was riding with a Japanese guy on the way to a hot spring. I get this message from her in Japanese of course. She knows no English from what I am aware. She tells me that she is going to lose her job starting from February. I reply saying, “That’s too bad. Try looking online or applying elsewhere.” She then answers that she is going to do that. But what really got me was what she said after this.

“Also, I don’t know if I want to marry you. I want to have a family. I want to have kids. My dream is quite simple. I want to go with my husband and children to the market and cook dinner. And go to restaurants together. I want to do that.” This was a red flag of the highest level. I’m talking to the guy driving, and he thought it was also quite dangerous. Especially since we had never even met in person yet.

So, yeah I don’t know about this. I’m not very interested in marriage, and I should make that clear to her today. Today could be fun, and maybe she could be interesting. But, I’m not counting on anything. At least she is only about 45 minutes away. All these other dates have been two or even three hours away.

I’ll update later.

A new year awaits…

I have so many things on my mind with the start of this new year. The last 6 months of 2014 was a tough time emotionally, and many of the remnants of that still remain in my mind. Where am I going with myself? As I turn 28 this year, just what is my goal for life? I’m getting older. I don’t want to see any more of the people I love die. Do I ever want to get married? I’m alone. I don’t want to be alone. I want to move, but money and my job restrict me currently. I’ve gained all the weight that I spent so hard losing. I am treating myself like a garbage bin.

I feel like shit.

I am not a fan of new years resolutions because they never work. Instead, I prefer to write up a sort of mission statement for the year. An overall guide for what I am looking to accomplish. I pick one word that will sum up the overall theme as well. This year’s word I am thinking something along the lines of move. Move on emotionally. Move on into looking for a better place to live. Move on into a new job.

Many of my feelings come from the frustration of living in Japan. This country is lonely. Living in the rural countryside where only elderly people live is a pain in the ass. I hate it because I just want to be accepted and looked at as human being and NOT this foreign entity. I have so many issues with this country of late. I could write a book about it. I decided to just close my Facebook account because of it. All I was doing was complaining about it, and complaining, while beneficial, only spawns more hard feelings.

As this new year rolls out. I question if I really want to continue living here. Do I even want to get married at some point? I feel like marriage would never be something for me. My parents divorced while I was in elementary school. Many of my relatives marriages never lasted very long either. I grew up never feeling attracted to other females. Rather falling for game and anime female characters instead. I like companionship, but sex has never been something I ever desired.

I prefer my freedom, but then I also would like to have someone close by to call on for support. Japanese women have told me in the past that this makes me very selfish. Maybe this is a cultural thing? I feel many young people are living that kind of life in Western societies. Instead of marriage they just live together and support each other. Sharing in their hobbies and interests together. That is the kind of relationship I would grow to enjoy. I feel like I could never find someone that would tolerate my hobbies though. Japan is a very strange country where people just want to get married and paired off as soon as they can. I don’t understand it. I don’t want to fall into that trap even if some people pressure me hurry up and get married.

If there is one thing I want to work on starting this new year is getting this chip off my shoulder. While hard feelings are fine at times. Getting a little sad and frustrated is fine. But drinking to ignore these feelings. Thinking about death isn’t helping either. Everything begins with how I think about myself. My thoughts effect my world and myself. I’m trying to grab onto shadows. I am looking for objects outside myself to fill the gap in my heart. Objects. People. Food. Drink. They are all temporary fixes. The true path to happiness stems from inside. Change yourself then you can change the world around you.

I apologize for the here and there writing of this entry. Like I said, I have a lot of things on my mind. This year I really should write more. There is something therapeutic about it.