Auto Pilot

I think a lot about life is constant reevaluation. Last year I had been reading a lot of books that had quite a positive effect, and I continued to follow a lot of their advice up until now. But lately many things just haven’t been working. But a problem I think many of us feel is we grow into this pattern of doing things. It’s how humans are. When you first learn to drive a car you’re very alert, but over time it becomes second nature. That is the part I feel needs to be constantly evaluated.

I have been living on auto pilot again. I’ve found myself to feel like I have been just going through motions again. Not being conscious or aware of the things around. I’ve lost complete confidence in myself and abilities. I have grow self conscious. I also set my bar too high. I want to figure out a way where I will set the bar lower. Like this is the minimum I will do.

One thing that I have been thinking about is freedom. I have freedom, but because I have come to live in fear again. I have been giving my freedom away. Those things I fear I want to break down again. Many of the things I fear are just in my mind.

Spring is coming and I want to feel it’s warmth.

I don’t see it

Sometimes I wonder if I am moving forward. I wish I could see my progress in any sort of way. This winter I have felt just so on and off. Times I felt really good about myself and my abilities. Other times I ran away. Other times I felt depressed.

After all this time why do I still fear people? Why to I want to run away at times? Of course I have made huge improvements in the last year. But I’m still not the person I want to be.

Am I the only one that finds it so weird to be alive? I feel like it doesn’t even register. Many things. Colors, textures, the scenery, the people I meet day to day.

I want to try harder. But I wish I could learn to relax, and enjoy the ride. But I want to be a stronger person.

I feel like myself is growing but I just can’t see it. I just don’t realize it.