I guess saying that I hate such and such is quite extreme. Hate is a strong word, and I try not to think about the things I hate even dislike or even want to complain about. But I can’t take it much anymore. I am stressed out working at a middle school. The past three years here have been fine. But starting this year, my school merged with another smaller middle school. So they closed the smaller one and now those students come to my school. This turned a pleasant and quiet middle school into something wild. Granted there are still good students. Well behaved students. But they just seem to be filtered out by all the noise from the more nasty students.
I don’t like working here anymore. The attitude of the students aren’t the same. My attitude doesn’t feel the same. There are double the amount of teachers here as well. I largely feel useless and forgotten by all of them unless they need something from me. Hell we have two student teachers here for two weeks. They have yet to introduce themselves to me. I guess they just don’t want to deal with a foreigner.
My complaints aren’t new. You’ll hear the same rants from any foreign English teacher in Japan. The schools are bad, and the teachers do nothing about disruptive students. The foreign teacher is like some kind of tape recorder for the English classes. Largely ignored otherwise.
Some how in the back of my mind, I wonder to myself if it could just be my attitude? This could all change? No one talks to me. No one goes out of their way to greet me. They moved my desk so far away from everyone else this year… Maybe if I just tried? But Japanese will never meet you half way if you’re a foreigner. YOU are the one that has to go an extra 10, 15, or even 50 miles extra or more. I am just really tired of this nonsense.
But on the other hand, I like my alone time. I like being home and in the safety of my apartment but I hate living in this rural shit hole. Thank god I plan for this to be my last year in this area. Tired of not having any bars to go to. Tired of just seeing old people everywhere. Tired of not having a cafe to go to and sit and have a nice coffee. I want to be around people my own age. But then that is where I get worried. Even if I move and get all these things. Perhaps nothing will change. I read of the stories where Japanese people don’t really make friends with foreigners. I am afraid of just being some kind of foreigner accessory for Japanese people. With all my experiences it’s always been language that was a problem. Or people don’t want to meet you halfway like I mentioned.
Should I just leave Japan is something that crosses my mind at times.
I wonder what I should do…?
I’ve probably wrote about my loneliness countless times before on living in Japan. I largely feel abandoned and ignored at my work place. Some days it’s tolerable while other days it just really gets to me. For a while I never even wanted to acknowledge that it was loneliness that I felt. I’ve been alone a great deal of my childhood so it’s something I have grown to deal with. But perhaps what I really yearn for is just being able to reach out to anyone. Anyone that will just listen to my words.
I’ve realized that if three things are out balance then I just lose it. I go crazy. Those three things are writing my thoughts, exercise, and fasting.
Writing helps me to organize my thoughts better. I have no idea what I’m really thinking or feeling most of the time. I can understand myself better if I’m writing my thoughts down like this. I can better be aware of what I’m going through and I don’t feel so lost. I am an introspective thinker, and I rarely convey how I feel to others openly. Having conversations is taxing. Especially about things I don’t understand or small talk. I’ve learned to be better at it for my job, but in general I feel like I just have no interest in conversations. I’ve always been like this, but at the same time I yearn to connect with others that like the same things as I do.
Exercise helps me control the stress I go through each day. Also it just makes me feel better about myself. But as I grow older I find it harder and harder to get out there and exercise. I try to do it when I can. I know it is something essential for my daily life.
Fasting helps me save money by not buying food. I’ve found that it helps me to be better in control of my desires. I feel more in tune and in control of myself.
These three things help fight back the loneliness I feel on most days, but going on my fourth year now. I just can’t take it anymore. I have largely been alone for the past four years living here. I’ve had periods where I had friends, and even dating. But right now, I have no friends, and much of my conversations involve talking in simple English to middle school students. Honestly why haven’t I gone insane yet? I have gotten close to wanting to kill myself because I just felt I was at my worst. Those were pretty dark times. Not to mention constant days where I would drink many days in a row. Those days are behind me for the most part.
There are a few expats here, but they live maybe an hour or so from me. I am largely disconnected from the expat circle out here in the rural wastelands of Japan. I’m fine with that. I would rather be with people out of a common interest or bond rather than just convenience. And largely many of the people I come across I have no interest in or seem to have any interest in me either.
Lately, I feel things are starting to get better. I have a plan that I have set out. I want to finally move out of this stupid rural area and more into a city area or just closer to one. I am single once again, and in no rush for another relationship. I don’t want a relationship right now. Saving my money. Working more at night to make more money. I want to pass level 1 Japanese by the winter. Working on making this happen as well.
If I am to be alone so be it. As long as I never give up on myself.