I’m not depressed.
Depression was what I had 3 years ago. When my uncle and grandmother passed away and I broke up with my girlfriend of two years.
This is an entirely different monster. I’m tired. Stressed. Lonely in Japan. I’m tired of this self induced isolation I’m feeling.
I’m working too much, but I need the money if I ever want to move successfully in March. But working more has come with its sacrifices. My time for myself. I work from Monday to Friday. 8 to 9. By the end of the day I just feel so drained and tired. I need a quick pick me up.
I’ve given into addictions. Smoking. Drinking. Masturbation.
Instead of dealing with my stress in a mature way. I’ve turned to instant gratification that just leaves me empty and dead inside. At first I didn’t mind. But now things are taking their toll. My self confidence is broken. I’m just realizing my habits and their negative effects. I’m starting to feel enough is enough.
On my way to work, I smoke. On my way to work at night, I smoke. At home, I smoke. One cigarette after another. My heart feels like shit after a while, and I’m tired of it. I have been smoking like this since July. When I get home on a Friday, I just come home and drink beer and masturbate. I’ve been doing this for a few years.
But I’m tired of it. I’m searching for something in the wrong things.
“Just a little more! When March comes, things will change. Right now it’s okay. Just wait till March and you won’t be doing these things any more.” I say this to myself.
But if I don’t choose to change now. Then I will never change. What I’m doing isn’t helping me. It isn’t giving me strength. It’s just draining.
I know if I delete my porn. Then everything will begin to change. But I’m afraid to make that step. Just like when I gave up my anime obsession nearly 5 years ago, I need the strength to quit. What I’m doing is blocking me from growing into a better person.
Closer to my best self.