I’m not sure what I’m looking for.
No level of love.
No level of achievement.
No amount of friendships.
No amount of alcohol.
No matter how many times I masturbate.
It cannot shake the feelings I have.
Am I just an introvert? Just doomed to be alone?
I feel as if I’ve been committing sin after sin. I want to be forgiven by someone or something.
Is this why people turn towards a higher power?
Humans want something bigger than themselves.
Last night I just felt so out of it. Laying alone on my futon. Thinking about nothing in particular.
Sleeping and being awake.
I slept for about 12 hours.
I wonder if I’m going crazy as I spiral more and more into this darkness?
I had a strange dream where I met my grandmother who passed away in November.
Only to wake up from that to find it was a dream. I was talking with my mother about meeting grandmom.
Only to wake up again to find those both were dreams.
I always remember my dreams with great accuracy.
But it always makes me question what is reality?
Sometimes I’ll have dreams where it makes me question reality.
Do you honestly know what it’s like to not even mutter a word over the weekend? Only to speak that Monday morning at work.
“I have a voice?” I thought with surprise to myself.
I hate being home.
I want to do anything that gets me out of my apartment.
I’ve been busy lately but I want to take the time to write down the things that have been on my mind.
I feel like things have on the whole have returned to normal. Normal as in I don’t feel depressed. I’m not abusing anything. Getting things done on a daily basis. Just trying to live life. Things are balanced more or less. There are some things that I want to do more of. There are some things I want to do less of. But I’m not stressing over them too much. I’m changing for the better even if it is slightly each day.
My job has picked up. Well, it’s still the same grind every day, but I’m just tired of the dullness of everything. So, I try to be more random with students. Saying odd things to them that might put them off guard. For example, instead of saying good morning or hello when I see them. I might say good night or goodbye. In high school, I had a teacher like this actually. Doing this has helped in a few ways. Social conversation. Maybe it’s my imagination but it just seems like I am using Japanese more and fluently. Or at least trying to. Either due to my recent no care attitude or reading more books or maybe a mix of the two.
I feel even more confident about doing my job too. When I first started out teaching English, I was so inexperienced. I was afraid to talk in front of students. I was afraid to do almost anything by myself. Now, I just go in and do it. Especially when I teach my business classes. They are absolutely easy since I have a textbook and a teacher’s guide. All I have to do is just follow the guide for the most part. But it’s all just so easy. I don’t even know where I go during that time. It’s like my mind just goes white and then it’s over. I know how the lesson is going to go. I have it set out in my hand and I just do that. I would love to do more business classes if they had them available. But at this time of the year, they probably have them all filled.
At home I’ve stopped abusing beer, but now I drink whiskey. I’ve grown to like the stuff. My only experiences with whiskey was drinking some cheap Japanese whiskey when I was a college student here. Of course at that time we drank together to rant and vent our feelings regarding Japan. We drank to get drunk. But last weekend, I bought some Jack Daniel’s on a whim and just casually drank it with ice. I enjoyed it. So lately I’ve been drinking Japanese whiskey. But nothing that ever gets me all that drunk. I don’t even feel any sort of hangover. It’s strange. But it’s probably doing something to my sleep patterns. My face looks like hell. But anything is better than my side hurting, and having digestion problems because of beer.
Overall life is getting balanced. Working through my shit each day. I don’t need a relationship right now. I don’t even know if I ever want one. At any rate what’s most important is myself.
My relationship with alcohol has always been a rocky one. My drinking patterns getting worse as I’ve aged and gained independence. Lately my relationship with it is starting to scare me. I’ve always been one who knows their limits. I’ve never blacked out or puked. I have puked maybe a totally of 3 or 4 times but it was privately and never at a social setting. But because of my high tolerance, frequency and habits, I am starting to worry about myself.
On Saturday, I drank a little too much and when I stood up I fell in front of me. All on the cans near me. My nose is a little sore, and I have a bruise on my upper lip, and a little cut near my right eye. Then when I thought I learned my lesson. I drank again on Monday. Too much too fast. I have a problem. If I’m treating alcohol like water where it just goes down so easily. I’m going to get burned. I was up most of the night just from the effects of drinking too much once again. I had shivers. I couldn’t sleep. I was afraid to.
Things are getting out of hand. I really need to quit. Or stop for a while. I drink mostly out of loneliness. I’m here living in a foreign country. In the backwaters of no where. No one to talk to. No one to share things with. I need people. People I can talk to and share myself with them. I think I need that, but I need to take responsibility too. Just saying it out of loneliness is an excuse. That’s the trigger so now I need to find alternatives to fill in that time.
When I am drinking sometimes I might think to myself, “I don’t care if I die. I don’t care what happens to me.” But just how can I say those things to myself? I don’t feel like myself anymore. Even when I buy alcohol sometimes I feel like my own stomach is crying out. It knows what it will be going through again. I’m tired of being in my own skin. I want to change. I know I’m gradually killing myself. I want to break this habit.
I need to keep with this desire.
Everyday. Every hour. Every minute. Every second.
Filed under Everyday, 日本語
For the past few years since I started living on my own waaay out here in Japan. I’ve noticed when winter rolls around my mood takes a turn for the worst. I feel like it has always done this but I never noticed or thought it was something of concern. No matter how confident or good about myself I feel it will always happen. Never fear when the days start getting shorter so does my mood to keep on going. I’ve come to the conclusion that I must be one of those that just feels down during the winter season. The days are shorter. Less sunlight. Wake up at 5 or 6 and the sun still isn’t out. Not to mention the nights are freezing because Japanese housing is horrible at keeping the cold out. This year was particularly bad because of all the crap that happened at the start of it.
I bring this up because for the past two days the temperature has been rather mild, and the sun is staying out a bit longer. My apartment doesn’t feel like an ice box. My mood is recovering. I feel better about things and for the past month and a half I haven’t had any sort of suicidal thoughts. I’ve put my relationship with my ex behind me. I am no long haunted by the death of relatives nor do I dwell on the possible deaths of other loved ones. I’m open to meeting people but no longer actively looking for a relationship. I’ve also stopped thinking too deeply about turning 28 in a few months. I’ve started changing the way I study Japanese and start using it more at work. I have some other side jobs lined up as well for the coming school year. So some extra income will do me fine. I’ve decided that the next school year will be my last year in this area. I want to move on and live in another area of Japan.
So, I have all these things I’ve come to terms with, and things to look forward to. I feel like things can actually get better. Even though I still have been drinking mostly on a daily basis, and eating the worst of foods. I feel like I can quit, and perhaps I haven’t been drinking AS much as I think I have. I have managed to save about $1000 USD in Yen.
Things are improving. As they say time heals all wounds.
I don’t know what happened but for the past three days I have been in high spirits again. I feel like I can work at whatever I need to get done. It’s as if whatever hill I was climbing up now has reached a flat surface.
Have I finally reached a point where I can move on?