目指したい何かを

週末すっごくだめだった。たくさん酒を飲んで悪いことをふけていた。意識を失った。それで日曜日に悲しみのあまりで父と電話で話した。僕の問題を聞いてくれた。

今日は二つクラスがあった。奇跡みたいだった。いつも５つか６つある。ときどき空き時間もないんだ。しかし、それは僕の責任だ。休みを取らないからだ。これから、休みを取ることにした。先生たちは気にされていないから、僕だけ助けるしかない。

最近、元気じゃないが普通だ。悪くない感じだけど、１００パーセントじゃない。昔の自分に戻りたいこともある。それはオタクのことだ。またオタクになるとしても金をかかるし、アニメにあんまり興味がないしなあ。どうすればいい。昔の僕に戻らない。今の僕は誰？ 今まで来たアイデンティティは変わってきた。
ただ何かをまた夢中したい。毎日酒を飲んで何もしていない事実なのだ。

目指したい何かを。

No level of anything

I’m not sure what I’m looking for.
No level of love.
No level of achievement.
No amount of friendships.
No amount of alcohol.
No matter how many times I masturbate.
It cannot shake the feelings I have.

Am I just an introvert? Just doomed to be alone?
I feel as if I’ve been committing sin after sin. I want to be forgiven by someone or something.
Is this why people turn towards a higher power?
Humans want something bigger than themselves.

Last night I just felt so out of it. Laying alone on my futon. Thinking about nothing in particular.
Sleeping and being awake.
I slept for about 12 hours.
I wonder if I’m going crazy as I spiral more and more into this darkness?
I had a strange dream where I met my grandmother who passed away in November.
Only to wake up from that to find it was a dream. I was talking with my mother about meeting grandmom.
Only to wake up again to find those both were dreams.

I always remember my dreams with great accuracy.
But it always makes me question what is reality?
Sometimes I’ll have dreams where it makes me question reality.

My weekend?

Do you honestly know what it’s like to not even mutter a word over the weekend? Only to speak that Monday morning at work.
“I have a voice?” I thought with surprise to myself.

I hate being home.
I want to do anything that gets me out of my apartment.
My cage.

Share this:

I’ve been busy lately but I want to take the time to write down the things that have been on my mind.

I feel like things have on the whole have returned to normal. Normal as in I don’t feel depressed. I’m not abusing anything. Getting things done on a daily basis. Just trying to live life. Things are balanced more or less. There are some things that I want to do more of. There are some things I want to do less of. But I’m not stressing over them too much. I’m changing for the better even if it is slightly each day.

My job has picked up. Well, it’s still the same grind every day, but I’m just tired of the dullness of everything. So, I try to be more random with students. Saying odd things to them that might put them off guard. For example, instead of saying good morning or hello when I see them. I might say good night or goodbye. In high school, I had a teacher like this actually. Doing this has helped in a few ways. Social conversation. Maybe it’s my imagination but it just seems like I am using Japanese more and fluently. Or at least trying to. Either due to my recent no care attitude or reading more books or maybe a mix of the two.

I feel even more confident about doing my job too. When I first started out teaching English, I was so inexperienced. I was afraid to talk in front of students. I was afraid to do almost anything by myself. Now, I just go in and do it. Especially when I teach my business classes. They are absolutely easy since I have a textbook and a teacher’s guide. All I have to do is just follow the guide for the most part. But it’s all just so easy. I don’t even know where I go during that time. It’s like my mind just goes white and then it’s over. I know how the lesson is going to go. I have it set out in my hand and I just do that. I would love to do more business classes if they had them available. But at this time of the year, they probably have them all filled.

At home I’ve stopped abusing beer, but now I drink whiskey. I’ve grown to like the stuff. My only experiences with whiskey was drinking some cheap Japanese whiskey when I was a college student here. Of course at that time we drank together to rant and vent our feelings regarding Japan. We drank to get drunk. But last weekend, I bought some Jack Daniel’s on a whim and just casually drank it with ice. I enjoyed it. So lately I’ve been drinking Japanese whiskey. But nothing that ever gets me all that drunk. I don’t even feel any sort of hangover. It’s strange. But it’s probably doing something to my sleep patterns. My face looks like hell. But anything is better than my side hurting, and having digestion problems because of beer.

Overall life is getting balanced. Working through my shit each day. I don’t need a relationship right now. I don’t even know if I ever want one. At any rate what’s most important is myself.

I’m going too far

My relationship with alcohol has always been a rocky one. My drinking patterns getting worse as I’ve aged and gained independence. Lately my relationship with it is starting to scare me. I’ve always been one who knows their limits. I’ve never blacked out or puked. I have puked maybe a totally of 3 or 4 times but it was privately and never at a social setting. But because of my high tolerance, frequency and habits, I am starting to worry about myself.

On Saturday, I drank a little too much and when I stood up I fell in front of me. All on the cans near me. My nose is a little sore, and I have a bruise on my upper lip, and a little cut near my right eye. Then when I thought I learned my lesson. I drank again on Monday. Too much too fast. I have a problem. If I’m treating alcohol like water where it just goes down so easily. I’m going to get burned. I was up most of the night just from the effects of drinking too much once again. I had shivers. I couldn’t sleep. I was afraid to.

Things are getting out of hand. I really need to quit. Or stop for a while. I drink mostly out of loneliness. I’m here living in a foreign country. In the backwaters of no where. No one to talk to. No one to share things with. I need people. People I can talk to and share myself with them. I think I need that, but I need to take responsibility too. Just saying it out of loneliness is an excuse. That’s the trigger so now I need to find alternatives to fill in that time.

When I am drinking sometimes I might think to myself, “I don’t care if I die. I don’t care what happens to me.” But just how can I say those things to myself? I don’t feel like myself anymore. Even when I buy alcohol sometimes I feel like my own stomach is crying out. It knows what it will be going through again. I’m tired of being in my own skin. I want to change. I know I’m gradually killing myself. I want to break this habit.

I need to keep with this desire.

Everyday. Every hour. Every minute. Every second.

Share this:

今日は４月２８日です。やっと春が来たきがします。暖かい天気のように私の性格はまた明るくなりました。でも、本当に体重が上がってきましたね。それから、運動することにしました。

I must suffer from winter depression

For the past few years since I started living on my own waaay out here in Japan. I’ve noticed when winter rolls around my mood takes a turn for the worst. I feel like it has always done this but I never noticed or thought it was something of concern. No matter how confident or good about myself I feel it will always happen. Never fear when the days start getting shorter so does my mood to keep on going. I’ve come to the conclusion that I must be one of those that just feels down during the winter season. The days are shorter. Less sunlight. Wake up at 5 or 6 and the sun still isn’t out. Not to mention the nights are freezing because Japanese housing is horrible at keeping the cold out. This year was particularly bad because of all the crap that happened at the start of it.

I bring this up because for the past two days the temperature has been rather mild, and the sun is staying out a bit longer. My apartment doesn’t feel like an ice box. My mood is recovering. I feel better about things and for the past month and a half I haven’t had any sort of suicidal thoughts. I’ve put my relationship with my ex behind me. I am no long haunted by the death of relatives nor do I dwell on the possible deaths of other loved ones. I’m open to meeting people but no longer actively looking for a relationship. I’ve also stopped thinking too deeply about turning 28 in a few months. I’ve started changing the way I study Japanese and start using it more at work. I have some other side jobs lined up as well for the coming school year. So some extra income will do me fine. I’ve decided that the next school year will be my last year in this area. I want to move on and live in another area of Japan.

So, I have all these things I’ve come to terms with, and things to look forward to. I feel like things can actually get better. Even though I still have been drinking mostly on a daily basis, and eating the worst of foods. I feel like I can quit, and perhaps I haven’t been drinking AS much as I think I have. I have managed to save about $1000 USD in Yen.

Things are improving. As they say time heals all wounds.

Flat surface

I don’t know what happened but for the past three days I have been in high spirits again. I feel like I can work at whatever I need to get done. It’s as if whatever hill I was climbing up now has reached a flat surface.

Have I finally reached a point where I can move on?

I hate seasonal company training

Well, it’s that time of the year again. If you don’t know, I live in Japan and I’m teaching English to Japanese students. Rather, saying I am a glorified native English voice box sounds a lot better, though. Anyway, every winter and summer we have company training. It’s the time of the year when many of us dread going. If you don’t go, you lose out on at least 100 dollars from your next paycheck. I don’t even think missing a day of normal work penalizes you for missing a day THAT BAD.

Training wouldn’t be so bad if it were actually of relevance and interest. Instead many of the supervisors focus on very trivial topics. I know they are trying their best, and they have to do this to show the boards of education we are continuously learning about how to teach English. But, I feel like many of the topics they cover should instead be covered in the weekly meetings hosted in each individual area. Lesson planning? Making English activities? That can be covered easier in the weekly smaller meetings. For example, many foreign English teachers don’t need to lesson plan because the other teacher does it, or the Japanese English teacher has their own activities they want to do. So, some of the teachers at the company training would feel bored because they can’t relate to what is being discussed. It’s a waste of time!

At these bigger company trainings, they should focus more on broader topics and more Japanese cultural related topics. Topics that are relevant to us living in a foreign culture. Things that can continuously be covered over but not get boring. Things like dealing with other teachers and students or what to even talk about with either of them. I know all of us face a lot of problems living in Japan. Japan is a difficult country to live in as a foreigner. A lot of us can help each other at these company meetings by discussing those kinds of issues. We would all benefit from that.

But then again everyone is basically just dicking around. I know and they know. Everyone does. It’s just something we have to do to please some higher ups. So, we all try to just tolerate it and get through the day. At the end of the day it really doesn’t matter anyway because Japanese can’t learn English with this current system. It isn’t working to help them learn. There is nothing we (foreign English teachers) can really do about it.

Another thing about these company meetings is it reminds me of my high school experience all over again. I just become so moody over the whole experience. My time is being wasted and on top of this I have to do it with people I don’t know all that well. The supervisors can be dicks too, and come up to you asking stupid questions. Much like the teachers I had in high school at times would. Everyone who attends pretty much pairs off into their own little cliques. They take part in small talk, and what not. That kind of stuff just doesn’t appeal to me at all. It never did. I don’t care what they have to say about their life or what they’ve done, and maybe that is why I am alone. But the thing is I want real conversations. In English and Japanese. So, much like high school I spend a lot of the time reading a book during the training. People just sort of leave me alone and I am content with that.

While I do have my problems with Japanese people, the thing I like about them is that their patterns and thinking are very predictable. But with foreigners, I just can’t read them. It’s very strange and I don’t want to get into the whole notion that I AM JAPANESE. But other foreigners just don’t put me at ease in the same way Japanese do.

Well it’s back to the grind soon. Living it up with the little time I have left.

Tired

Tired of living here.
Tired of being ignored.
Tired of being some kind of English pet.
Tired of being looked down on.

I want to get out of here.

Humans are pretty fragile

Yesterday, I once again had a rapid heart rate. I don’t get what is causing this. It was the same as last Sunday. No problems, but right when I want to go to bed it starts up. Today was mentally stressful to deal with this fast beating heart. At least by the time I ate lunch it slowed down again.

I think I have some kind of deficiency. So, for now I am going to stop fasting. I’m going to start drinking the milk again at school, and maybe eat a piece of fruit in the morning after my run. I think it’s probably potassium because all the foods that have that I don’t eat. I was eating a lot of spinach, which are also rich in fiber, and avocados.

My father suggests that I should get it checked but I have had experiences like this happening before. But I never thought of it as some kind of deficiency. Mostly because the heart beat was never so bad that it kept me awake at night. I’m going to take it easy for now, and just keep my eye on it. If it does seem to happen again after changing around my diet then I will see a doctor.

Days sober: 1
Goal is at least 6 days sober.