大好きな仕事が変わってきた

実は今年英語を教えている中学校は他の中学校と統合になった。まあ、日本では珍しいことじゃないだろうな。日本人は結婚とか子供を育つこともしないからだ。しかし、それは別に僕には関係はない。日本の未来は僕の問題じゃない。僕に対していつでもアメリカに帰ることが出来る。昔の甘い僕はどんな火災が起こっても日本にいたくて日本人を手伝いたいと思った。その時何を考えるか分からない今。

前の話だけど。うん、大好きな中学校は完全に変わってきた。生徒と先生が増えていたりした。そのせいでこの中学校が大好きな僕は気持ちも変わってきた。もう和める中学校じゃない。色んな不良な生徒がいるし、生徒の態度も悪くなったし。この状態はもういやだ。どうも分からない。なんで先生たちは何もしないんだ？もう諦めたのか？

もう書いただろう。僕は幽霊みたいな存在だ。英語で話せるラジオみたいな存在だ。大嫌いなんだそんなこと。それはもうどうでもいいんだけどさ。最初からもそうだった。ただ僕は甘くて若くて気が付かなかっただけ。

最近、怒りたいことがあった。先生は僕に１学期の終わりパーティーのアンケートをくれた。近く先生はそのことを見て「ああ？ＡＬＴ先生まであげる？ＯＯ、漢字読める？」と聞かれた。心の中で怒りで叫んだ。「…行かないと思いますが…」とそっと返事した。すぐ二人の先生は笑った。ばかにされるのか？と思った。

この町が嫌いだ

ずっといまで考えることを誰に言わなかった。っていうか言えなかった。
僕は傷つけたくなくて傷つけられたくなかったから。　でも最近そういう気持ちがないみたいだ。

今日は研修会で誰かさんは僕に謝った。「ごめん。クラスはあなたのクラスと同じ時間を知らなかったよ。」って。僕は溜息を漏らしながら「いいよ。誰かさんのせいじゃない。責任者はこの市だ。なにを考えるか分からない。」

漢字練習をサボるのはだめだ。書く書く　書く！　しかないけど４、５日間分も書かなくちゃ。毎日４０字勉強しているから。４０Ｘ３０日は１２００字だよ。誰でも知らないことかもしれないが、自分自身よく知っているんだ。よくやっている。

火曜日に「僕の日本語で話している自分と英語で話している自分は今喧嘩している」って書いたね。もっと詳しく説明したい。喧嘩している理由は日本語と英語の自分の考え方が違うからだ。日本語の僕は大人になりたい。英語の自分はまだ子供のような人だ。

もっといい仕事がしたい。なんか変だと思う。外国人の先生なのに誰でも僕のことを気に入らないなあ。なんでだろう。話しかけなくて寂しいよ。噂なんだけど、いろんな「日本で英語を教えたいか」のようなサイトで「絶対人気ものになって話しかけるよ」と書いてある。僕は友達のおじいさんにこんなことを教えて「ＯＯ、何を言う？問題はこの町だよ。この町の人だよ。確かに先生たちはＯＯに認められていると思うけど、なんか日本人の心は閉鎖なんだ。」って

嫌いだよ。無視されて嫌いだよ。どこか行っても無視されて子供扱いされて。僕は馬鹿じゃない、日本人。漢字が書ける。日本語が話せる。箸が使えるよ。「箸が上手！！」とか「箸が使いますか」って絶対いやだよ。差別？？？

溜息ばっかり

一人で酒を飲んだら、幸せになれない。心の底から繰り返しているんだ。

Frustration

I haven’t watched The Simpsons in a very long time. I really liked it when I was watching it as a kid growing up in the 90’s. And as someone living in Japan and studying the language, one episode in particular comes to mind. I think it was during season one because season one was a lot different in style from the other seasons there after.

Anyway, in the episode Bart does a student exchange where he goes to France. Living in France he has no idea about the language. The people he was sent to live with begin to treat him poorly too, but he can’t really do anything about it. They make him stomp on grapes for the wine and give the donkey the pile of hay to sleep on. So Bart is forced to sleep on dirt. Near the end of the episode, Bart is told to go out and buy something. He runs into a French police officer. As he tries to explain to the officer his situation in English, the officer smiles but doesn’t understand. As Bart walks away crestfallen he starts to talk to himself out of frustration only to suddenly start speaking fluent French.

As time goes on here in Japan. I feel more and more like that situation is going to happen. Something is going to happen. One day I am just going to wake up and not even realize I’m speaking Japanese. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t care about making mistakes. I am so aloof that I just don’t care. I want my feelings to be expressed. I want my way of thinking to be recognized. Before I was afraid of being hurt and afraid of hurting others. But I’m tired of it. I don’t care if I’m hurt. I don’t care if I hurt others.

I’ve lived too much of my life keeping my feelings to myself.
No one gives a fuck.

言葉で言えないことが言いたい

今日から決めた。ちゃんと日本語で書く。自分の気持ちが伝えたい。でも、その伝えたい気持ちは言葉で言えなくて困る。

日本に住むのはどちらかというと寂しくて難しい。他の外国人がいないし、日本人と友達できない。文句ばかりだけど、ここ田舎なんだよ。２年前必死に頑張ったらすぐゴールに着くと思った。

しかし、ゴールは何だろうか。
どこに進めばいいだろうか。

ずっと僕のことをあんまり考えなかったから、今その重なってきた不安、不満を気が付いた。その能天気な僕を殴りたい。

仕事で幽霊のようなものだと思っているんだ。毎日はつまらいんだ。他の先生たちと絆はないみたいだとおもっているんだ。
「頑張れ！頑張れ！」って言われても、もう限界だよ。もう挫けている。

僕の日本語を話している自分と英語を話している自分は今喧嘩している。自分に日本語で話せるけど、他の人とあんまり話せない。

日本と日本人が嫌いわけじゃない。ただ、外国人として日本に住むのは大変だ。日本は完璧に閉鎖的だ。 ２０２０年にここにオリンピックがあるんだっけ。笑えるだろう。この国の政府はもっと交流的にしようと言いながら交流的じゃない行動をする。矛盾だろう。何年間日本人は英語を勉強しているんだっけなあ。中国と韓国より長いんだけど、日本人の方が全然分からない。僕日本語を勉強するのは七年間でこのぐらい日本語で書くんだよ。「英語は難しいよ～」と言われても、それはただの言い訳？

もう暗くて誰もいないアパートに帰りたくない。帰ったらその暗闇に向き合うわけにはいかない。 このアパートは籠みたいなところだ。遅くまで帰りたくない。そうしたら、酒を飲んだり一人でいる気持ちを考えたりしない。

何か変わっていく。その何か分からない。考え方？ずっと生きてきたけど、現実はもっと現実になってきた。僕の人生はゲームとか夢の中じゃなくて、これは現実だなっていう気持ちだ。うーーん、言葉でよく説明できない。変な気持ちだ。

悲しみと怒り力に変えるって信じたい。
笑顔は顔に戻りたい。なんだか重い荷物を軽くなった気がする。

No level of anything

I’m not sure what I’m looking for.
No level of love.
No level of achievement.
No amount of friendships.
No amount of alcohol.
No matter how many times I masturbate.
It cannot shake the feelings I have.

Am I just an introvert? Just doomed to be alone?
I feel as if I’ve been committing sin after sin. I want to be forgiven by someone or something.
Is this why people turn towards a higher power?
Humans want something bigger than themselves.

Last night I just felt so out of it. Laying alone on my futon. Thinking about nothing in particular.
Sleeping and being awake.
I slept for about 12 hours.
I wonder if I’m going crazy as I spiral more and more into this darkness?
I had a strange dream where I met my grandmother who passed away in November.
Only to wake up from that to find it was a dream. I was talking with my mother about meeting grandmom.
Only to wake up again to find those both were dreams.

I always remember my dreams with great accuracy.
But it always makes me question what is reality?
Sometimes I’ll have dreams where it makes me question reality.

My weekend?

Do you honestly know what it’s like to not even mutter a word over the weekend? Only to speak that Monday morning at work.
“I have a voice?” I thought with surprise to myself.

I hate being home.
I want to do anything that gets me out of my apartment.
My cage.

Share this:

There are no gods.
I dont want to die.
I dont want to see more of the ones I love die.
Why was I brought into this shit filled world?

Share this:

I’ve been busy lately but I want to take the time to write down the things that have been on my mind.

I feel like things have on the whole have returned to normal. Normal as in I don’t feel depressed. I’m not abusing anything. Getting things done on a daily basis. Just trying to live life. Things are balanced more or less. There are some things that I want to do more of. There are some things I want to do less of. But I’m not stressing over them too much. I’m changing for the better even if it is slightly each day.

My job has picked up. Well, it’s still the same grind every day, but I’m just tired of the dullness of everything. So, I try to be more random with students. Saying odd things to them that might put them off guard. For example, instead of saying good morning or hello when I see them. I might say good night or goodbye. In high school, I had a teacher like this actually. Doing this has helped in a few ways. Social conversation. Maybe it’s my imagination but it just seems like I am using Japanese more and fluently. Or at least trying to. Either due to my recent no care attitude or reading more books or maybe a mix of the two.

I feel even more confident about doing my job too. When I first started out teaching English, I was so inexperienced. I was afraid to talk in front of students. I was afraid to do almost anything by myself. Now, I just go in and do it. Especially when I teach my business classes. They are absolutely easy since I have a textbook and a teacher’s guide. All I have to do is just follow the guide for the most part. But it’s all just so easy. I don’t even know where I go during that time. It’s like my mind just goes white and then it’s over. I know how the lesson is going to go. I have it set out in my hand and I just do that. I would love to do more business classes if they had them available. But at this time of the year, they probably have them all filled.

At home I’ve stopped abusing beer, but now I drink whiskey. I’ve grown to like the stuff. My only experiences with whiskey was drinking some cheap Japanese whiskey when I was a college student here. Of course at that time we drank together to rant and vent our feelings regarding Japan. We drank to get drunk. But last weekend, I bought some Jack Daniel’s on a whim and just casually drank it with ice. I enjoyed it. So lately I’ve been drinking Japanese whiskey. But nothing that ever gets me all that drunk. I don’t even feel any sort of hangover. It’s strange. But it’s probably doing something to my sleep patterns. My face looks like hell. But anything is better than my side hurting, and having digestion problems because of beer.

Overall life is getting balanced. Working through my shit each day. I don’t need a relationship right now. I don’t even know if I ever want one. At any rate what’s most important is myself.

Reevaluation

Didn’t drink today. I actually got quite a bit done after I finished work.

Finished a chapter of the Japanese book I’m reading.
Finished the Sunahara sibling route of Clannad.
Finished my Japanese SRS for the day, and now working on catching up on my Kanji writing.

Up until now I couldn’t help but think just what have I been doing with my time? Even on the days when I wasn’t drinking just where was I? I feel like maybe I was on auto pilot. I just wasn’t conscious. I wasn’t aware of what was going on in my daily life.

Lately, I feel as if I’ve once again tapped into my true self. The one that isn’t always so kind and bubbly. More blunt, angry, and to the point. I do what I feel like and don’t worry so much about my surroundings. That me is more critical of everything. I could never find a happy medium for both states of mind. They are both myself and yet very much like day and night. It’s either be kind and selfless or critical and selfish. I like the critical part me because he is more observant and more thinking. But there is never any happiness for him because he is more serious.

But this part of me is also a front. It’s barrier that I cast between myself and others. I’m faking aloofness. I act like I don’t care about others. Like I don’t want to get to know them. While deep inside I wish I could talk with them. Get to know them. I’m confident, but I’m afraid of something. If I truly enjoy being more aware. More conscious. I want to be able to be more honest with myself and others in this mindset. Last year and the year before, having a smile on all the time, and being this kind big brother figure was good then. It was fine. Certain barriers of my mind broke down.

But now there are new ones that I have to take care of. I’m 28, and while I’m young yet, I guess. I don’t really think so, though. But, I realize it’s necessary to once again observe myself and my thinking. Reevaluate myself.

No matter what happens. From the depth of my heart I feel like things will be alright. I may not be able to change my past up until now or the people I’ve met. But I can change myself starting from this point. That I have the power to change. That is certain.

I’m going too far

My relationship with alcohol has always been a rocky one. My drinking patterns getting worse as I’ve aged and gained independence. Lately my relationship with it is starting to scare me. I’ve always been one who knows their limits. I’ve never blacked out or puked. I have puked maybe a totally of 3 or 4 times but it was privately and never at a social setting. But because of my high tolerance, frequency and habits, I am starting to worry about myself.

On Saturday, I drank a little too much and when I stood up I fell in front of me. All on the cans near me. My nose is a little sore, and I have a bruise on my upper lip, and a little cut near my right eye. Then when I thought I learned my lesson. I drank again on Monday. Too much too fast. I have a problem. If I’m treating alcohol like water where it just goes down so easily. I’m going to get burned. I was up most of the night just from the effects of drinking too much once again. I had shivers. I couldn’t sleep. I was afraid to.

Things are getting out of hand. I really need to quit. Or stop for a while. I drink mostly out of loneliness. I’m here living in a foreign country. In the backwaters of no where. No one to talk to. No one to share things with. I need people. People I can talk to and share myself with them. I think I need that, but I need to take responsibility too. Just saying it out of loneliness is an excuse. That’s the trigger so now I need to find alternatives to fill in that time.

When I am drinking sometimes I might think to myself, “I don’t care if I die. I don’t care what happens to me.” But just how can I say those things to myself? I don’t feel like myself anymore. Even when I buy alcohol sometimes I feel like my own stomach is crying out. It knows what it will be going through again. I’m tired of being in my own skin. I want to change. I know I’m gradually killing myself. I want to break this habit.

I need to keep with this desire.

Everyday. Every hour. Every minute. Every second.

Hedgehog’s Dilemma

My relationships eventually all breakdown.

Male or female. Something just eventually happens whenever I get too close to people. I just become cruel, and critical.

I’m not meant to have relationships with humans.

I’m meant to be alone, but I can still do good for others. I just can’t get too close to them…

I can’t deal with intimacy with females. I need myself. I can’t stand the thought of losing myself. My own freedom and the sacrifice of being with someone.

I would go insane being at the whim of another. My ideal relationship would be one where I could maintain something at a distant and feel good. Maybe be intimate at times. But sex isn’t something that arouses me. I don’t see myself having a family. I find more pleasure just pulling women along. And after I’ve “captured” them it’s time for the next one. A new woman. A new experience.

Others say I’m selfish. I’d rather keep to myself than to bring another life into the world. I don’t know. Relationships mean nothing to me really. I take them for granted.

I know I’m horrible. And that is why I am alone.