Monthly Archives: November 2013

Taking back my self-respect

So, I recently came to realize the dangers of focusing on one thing and putting everything else on hold. I have been concentrating so hard studying for this Japanese language test. I forgot the importance of the other things I would normally do. Things just as equally important to my development. Running. Reading. Socializing. Things related to my job. I wasn’t doing or trying to improve other parts of my life. I thought maybe that I could just revert back to my normal patterns after the test. But it was a moment this weekend where I woke up and said to myself, “I am gradually becoming the person I once was. What is wrong with me? This isn’t the person I want to be. I want to return to that me from before.”

I got wrapped up and focused on studying for this test. I forgot I’m not learning this language just to pass a test. I became too focused and shortsighted. I couldn’t see the dangers this kind of focus would bring. At first I thought by focusing exclusively on the test it would increase my gains. But it only caused me to avoid studying to completion and become mildly depressed from stress. I remembered during my time in Korea I would exercise just to break up the ongoing stress. Although effective there were other issues that made it hard to cope. But the fact of the matter is running helped.

Lately, I have been running again after a two month break. I never realized how much running acted like a stress relief valve. Running and just exercising in general helps my overall mood. I feel better about myself. It helps me keep a clear head. When I wasn’t running I became sluggish and lazy. I felt horrible about myself and I couldn’t help but feel anxious where ever I was. It became harder and harder to wake up as early as I wanted to. I just wanted to sleep in.

By not running I tried seeking other ways to release the stress and tension. Food. Alcohol. Self gratification. It was destroying me. I have been struggling since the summer to find my resolve and motivation. I have written in the past that I have been trying gradually to get back to that point before the summer vacation. I stumbled a few times, but I now see what I need to do even better.

From here I will do what I can in all areas I want to improve. A test is just a test. It isn’t the end of the world. Another chance will always be there. If I can do the best I can preparing for this test then I will have no regrets. I had forgotten how important it is to take things one day at a time. Show up everyday and the results will come.


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Filed under Development, Reflection