I am very frustrated. I have so many things on my mind lately. I am tired, and I know why. I have been drinking almost nonstop for the past 2 months. I probably have gained some kind of addiction. I want to use the weather and how it has been raining almost every single day for the past two months as an excuse. But I have no one to blame but myself. Just what am I running away from lately? What went wrong that I have gone down this road?
I just want to feel good about myself again.
I want to feel pride.
I want to feel youthful.
I am tired of being looked down upon in this country. Maybe a lot of it my own figments and shadows. But it frustrates me to be in Japan where people are surprised about my adequacy. I await the day when no Japanese will say to me, “Do you understand?” or “Wow you could read this?” Even my own girlfriend says these things at times. I hate it. I hate it when they say these things. To me it is obvious to study the language and culture of the place you live in. Japanese need to get over this shit about their language being hard to learn.
The one thing that angers and disappoints me about living in Japan is how many Japanese view a foreigner as not being able to do something just because of being a foreigner. Now, the only foreign country I have ever lived in is Japan, but others tell me that this kind of thinking is purely Japanese. Why is this?
It annoys me that people think I have no capacity of understanding. You’re probably not able to read this. You’re probably not able to do this. You probably don’t know what this means. These kinds of things are said to me on occasion. While not very often, they do stick out and bother me.
And if you do know what the hell is going on, Japanese are going to keep raising the bar higher and higher. Oh, you can write Hiragana and Katakana, but can you write these Kanji? Oh, you can write Kanji. But can you write this (harder) Kanji? It’s very much like that, and it’s weird. Maybe not intentional.
Personally, I am sick of this either way. If I can break these assumptions and stereotypes on a daily basis, I feel like I have done my duty to improve the situation for everyone. Not only has this way of thinking become my enemy, defeating it has also become a type of motivation for me to succeed and be a functional citizen in Japanese society.
I really put my body under a lot of unnecessary stress.
I want the healing to begin.
I want to be free.
I want to get rid of my addictions.