俺の声（言葉）を伝えたら、一人じゃない証拠だ。

実は今まで日記に書いたものを順番に貼っていない。最初から何も書いていなくてすみません。
今日書いていた事を心の底からすごく感じているから、貼ろうと思った。

夏休み　３日目　後４２日間

この３日間よく時間を使っていた。本当に日本語は俺の世界すべてである。日本語は俺のものだ。日本人だけ使えるものように英語は外国人だけ使えるものではない。毎日朝起きて２００例文書いたり言ったりしている。それに漢字は５１字書いて意味も読む。そうして小説、音楽、テレビなど味わっている。考える時日本だけ使うことにした。これは英語を使わないって言うゲームだ。俺の能力が上達することを感じている。これは大喜びなのだ。

だけど、この３日間、気分は上がったり下がったりしている。すごく嬉しい時があったら、一瞬間すごく落ち込むようになる。最近は不思議な時間に暮らしている。今までこの「気持ち」を感じていないからだ。その一所懸命目指すところへ進む気持ちなんだ。そうだ。ずっと前決めたんだ。一人で戦って他の外国人から離れて決めた。確かに今は「辛い」って言う時点であろう。しかし、過去のことを思い出したら、色々な「辛い」時間も遭った。

学校でいじめられて
両親の離婚
学校の勉強
日本に住むこと
２年間日本で付き合った彼女と別れ
好きな親戚が亡くなった
毎日酒を飲むこと
などなど

次々の「辛い」ことに遭った後、その前より自分自身強くなっている。うん、事実だ。俺は自分に厳しい。それは嘘ではない。だけど、そうしないといけない。少しさえ甘くすれば、絶対に何もしない人になるであろう。　進まない。

去年朝日新聞の天声人語に載った記事でいい言葉を習った。その言葉は「不撓不屈」である。強い意志でどんな大きい問題があっても、挫けない意味だ。この一年間忘れていたけど、疲れてストレスが多い俺はこの言葉を思い出してきた。それでこの言葉を俺の心に刻むことにした。俺の夢を叶う。誰でも邪魔させない。

ところでそれぞれの日記に書いたものは打つ前に紙に書いているんだ。俺はなんかすごいことをしていると思った。２・３年前だったら日本語で書くなんて思わない。漢字を書く練習の結果が表れてきたね。もっと書きたい。実は書くのが好きだ。俺の経験。俺の物語を書くことが好きだ。話すのは苦手だから書けば、簡単に気持ちを伝える。人は俺の日記を読んでくれたら、もっと好きなことも書きたい。

俺の声（言葉）を伝えたら、一人じゃない証拠だ。

それじゃ。

Frustration

I haven’t watched The Simpsons in a very long time. I really liked it when I was watching it as a kid growing up in the 90’s. And as someone living in Japan and studying the language, one episode in particular comes to mind. I think it was during season one because season one was a lot different in style from the other seasons there after.

Anyway, in the episode Bart does a student exchange where he goes to France. Living in France he has no idea about the language. The people he was sent to live with begin to treat him poorly too, but he can’t really do anything about it. They make him stomp on grapes for the wine and give the donkey the pile of hay to sleep on. So Bart is forced to sleep on dirt. Near the end of the episode, Bart is told to go out and buy something. He runs into a French police officer. As he tries to explain to the officer his situation in English, the officer smiles but doesn’t understand. As Bart walks away crestfallen he starts to talk to himself out of frustration only to suddenly start speaking fluent French.

As time goes on here in Japan. I feel more and more like that situation is going to happen. Something is going to happen. One day I am just going to wake up and not even realize I’m speaking Japanese. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t care about making mistakes. I am so aloof that I just don’t care. I want my feelings to be expressed. I want my way of thinking to be recognized. Before I was afraid of being hurt and afraid of hurting others. But I’m tired of it. I don’t care if I’m hurt. I don’t care if I hurt others.

I’ve lived too much of my life keeping my feelings to myself.
No one gives a fuck.

Keeping it together

I’ve probably wrote about my loneliness countless times before on living in Japan. I largely feel abandoned and ignored at my work place. Some days it’s tolerable while other days it just really gets to me. For a while I never even wanted to acknowledge that it was loneliness that I felt. I’ve been alone a great deal of my childhood so it’s something I have grown to deal with. But perhaps what I really yearn for is just being able to reach out to anyone. Anyone that will just listen to my words.

I’ve realized that if three things are out balance then I just lose it. I go crazy. Those three things are writing my thoughts, exercise, and fasting.

Writing helps me to organize my thoughts better. I have no idea what I’m really thinking or feeling most of the time. I can understand myself better if I’m writing my thoughts down like this. I can better be aware of what I’m going through and I don’t feel so lost. I am an introspective thinker, and I rarely convey how I feel to others openly. Having conversations is taxing. Especially about things I don’t understand or small talk. I’ve learned to be better at it for my job, but in general I feel like I just have no interest in conversations. I’ve always been like this, but at the same time I yearn to connect with others that like the same things as I do.

Exercise helps me control the stress I go through each day. Also it just makes me feel better about myself. But as I grow older I find it harder and harder to get out there and exercise. I try to do it when I can. I know it is something essential for my daily life.

Fasting helps me save money by not buying food. I’ve found that it helps me to be better in control of my desires. I feel more in tune and in control of myself.

These three things help fight back the loneliness I feel on most days, but going on my fourth year now. I just can’t take it anymore. I have largely been alone for the past four years living here. I’ve had periods where I had friends, and even dating. But right now, I have no friends, and much of my conversations involve talking in simple English to middle school students. Honestly why haven’t I gone insane yet? I have gotten close to wanting to kill myself because I just felt I was at my worst. Those were pretty dark times. Not to mention constant days where I would drink many days in a row. Those days are behind me for the most part.

There are a few expats here, but they live maybe an hour or so from me. I am largely disconnected from the expat circle out here in the rural wastelands of Japan. I’m fine with that. I would rather be with people out of a common interest or bond rather than just convenience. And largely many of the people I come across I have no interest in or seem to have any interest in me either.

Lately, I feel things are starting to get better. I have a plan that I have set out. I want to finally move out of this stupid rural area and more into a city area or just closer to one. I am single once again, and in no rush for another relationship. I don’t want a relationship right now. Saving my money. Working more at night to make more money. I want to pass level 1 Japanese by the winter. Working on making this happen as well.

If I am to be alone so be it. As long as I never give up on myself.

First Saturday

This is the first Saturday in a very long time where I am actually not nursing a hangover or even feel a desire to drink. I am just so sick of being tired. Being drunk. Being stressed out. I am at the point I can’t handle the stress of day to day without alcohol. I’ve drank a lot in the past but nothing like the past 3 months have been like. Maybe during September/October when I would drink a lot, I’d get a lot of suicidal thoughts. And then the day after I would feel so low after the alcohol left my system. I had never felt like that before. I asked online, and someone mentioned that after your body just numbs out from the constant alcohol. It starts to effect your feelings. Your personality. I cannot deny this.

But lately I don’t feel so. Like I need alcohol. Am I starting to turn around again? Am I now ready to live in reality again? But at what cost? I really put my body through a lot of shit. I have a lot to work on. A lot to build up that I destroyed. But I want to live, and I want to continue.

From day to day

Well it’s that time again where students are taking their finals before the winter vacation which is about three weeks away. I never understood why Japan has their exams so early. By making it so early it just makes the rest of the time up until the break wasted time. Students can just piss around and not do work. Implying they actually do their work any other time.

Anyway, as for myself, I feel like I have finally got a grip on reality. Yesterday felt like I was meeting someone I had not seen for a while. My reserve and thinking was just much different than the other times I had tried to pull myself together. August to November have been hard to deal with. I was mourning. I was trying to find a way to recreate myself. Instead I ran from reality and gave into alcoholism. Alcoholism became my barrier for the harsh reality. But I couldn’t help but mourn. Mourn for the death of a relationship. The death of relatives. The death of thinking I will always be here and so will those that I love.

I feel like I have finally pulled myself together. And as I go through each day. I have to face the new reality that I am entering a new phase of my life. While my early 20s were about trying to find myself, and my mid 20s were about putting what I discovered into practice. My late 20s are going to be about finding something I work at daily for the rest of my life. It’s time I decide where I need to move next.

I am a binge drinker

I wonder if my increased heart rate has anything to do with trying to sober up and get alcohol out of my body? Man, I can’t believe this is just day 3 (again) since I last drank a lot. I miss not having to think about this shit. I miss just having a drink now and then, but never to the point of getting super drunk. To the point of just pissing everywhere and anywhere in my room. That was a pain to clean up, but by then it was too late because I thought it was a dream. My problem is I am a binge drinker. I like to just get drunk and fast. I think that it might make the things I enjoy better, but I always never end up enjoying them in the end. For the past few months I have been associating alcohol with masturbation too. But the thing is drinking alcohol makes masturbation worse.

Recently I had someone over and they mentioned that they could tell the last owners had a cat. Probably her subtle way of saying my apartment smelled like piss. I miss not having my drinking get out of hand. My drinking was also a cause of me breaking up with my girlfriend. It was just getting drunk and chatting to her online like a total ass hole.

Last time I made it to 5 days sober but then broke it. I am aiming for at least 6 days this time. I am trying to get into the habit of eating healthier again too. No more snack foods or stuff from the convenience stores. No more nights of just drinking beer with nothing to eat. If I’m hungry it has to be something I make. I am eating fruits and more fiber. I used to use the bathroom almost every morning, but since I started drinking almost everyday I stopped. And when I would use the bathroom it would all come out as diarrhoea. Been using the bathroom a little bit lately, and it hasn’t been diarrhoea. I assume that is a good thing, and my body is recovering in some way.

This is a hard road, but I can get back to having a healthy relationship with alcohol again.

Days sober: 3

There is always sun after the rain

I can’t explain it but today I felt absolutely better. I don’t feel any happier, but I feel positive and clear headed. I can take on what comes my way. It isn’t the end of things. Maybe all I needed to do was write about how I was feeling. To bring to light what has been troubling me. I was aware of my issues but something about writing things down has this power to bring about self awareness. Which reminds me I have been meaning to read a book on this subject.

I feel like I have once again latched on to the me that I liked before I was in a relationship. The me that I was trying to build up into an ideal version of myself.

—

Lately, I have been reading a Japanese book. It basically lists 40 things a person with confidence should be doing. It would be part of the self help genre, but I feel like the points he brings up are pretty obvious to anyone. It serves as a reminder of sorts? It’s interesting and have been reading one point each day. The point yesterday was something I needed to read. He starts off by writing that many people faced with a problem say to themselves, “What can I do?” The author suggests that when faced with such a problem it is better to remember the 5W1H (who, what, where, why, when, and how).

He recounts an instance where his dentist tells him that the way he brushes his teeth isn’t very good. The dentist suggests to him that maybe he should brush his teeth while he is taking a shower. The author then noticed that by doing so he was able to brush his teeth calmly and effectively. Since he wasn’t in a rush and just relaxing in the shower. By changing the how and where, the way he brushed his teeth changed as well. He doesn’t specifically go into it but I feel like this ties into what your habits are. If you change the situation for the habits you want to change and start a new habit then the old ones will go away.

I want to consider the things that have been troubling me and make a contract to myself in this sort of way. By looking at the 5W1H. At the very least it would give me a clearer picture of what I am aiming for rather than something vague like exercise, quit drinking or read a book today.

Relax

I really put my body under a lot of unnecessary stress.

I want the healing to begin.

You will never fail

You will never fail because you will get right back up. No matter how many times you lose sight or fall into the abyss. Be calm. It isn’t failure to get right back up and try again.

It is only failure if you make it so.

Never forget why

Never forget the reason why you are doing the things you’re doing.

Never forget why those things are fun.

Never forget to never fall into just doing the motions.

Never forget to always be there when you’re doing the things you love.